Our blog this week features thoughts on faith and infertility in light of Pope Francis’ visit to the U.S. The author has requested to post it anonymously, which I point out to remind you that you always have an option to participate in the project without your name and/or face attached. Different people have different comfort levels with being public about their disease at various stages of the journey, and we believe that’s important to honor and respect that. It’s also an important piece in educating other about the effects of the disease and, how some are an open book, while others never tell anyone they have an infertility diagnosis. Thank you, anonymous poster, for sharing your story!

Elizabeth

Pope Francis, The Catholic Church & Infertility: An honest account of one woman’s Catholic confessions after facing infertility

I’ve grown up my entire life as a Catholic. I was sent to Catholic elementary school, high school and college. My parents took my family to weekly, sometimes daily Catholic mass. I remember the names of several nuns who taught me how to read. I received all of my sacraments (well – all except my last rites). Jesuit priests were (and still are) frequent visitors at my parent’s home. I even met my husband at a fall dance at the all-boys Catholic high school. We got married (in a Catholic Church) right out of college – ready, willing and wanting to start a family as soon as possible. So when we began to realize that we were having trouble conceiving, we immediately looked to the Catholic Church to help us through. We sought comfort at mass. We prayed daily novenas. We prayed to Saint Gerard, the patron saint of motherhood. We even reached out to our local parish to see if they could provide us with any resources or support to help us our infertility.

But sadly, as we continued to look to the Church to help us through our journey, we continued to feel more and more displaced from that community which first brought us and our desire for a family together. Attending mass felt more like a deep wound than a source of actual solace. At weekly mass we normally found ourselves witnessing an infant’s baptism or sitting directly behind a large young family. These constant reminders of family life at mass, left us leaving mass more angry and alone than peaceful and with community. We continued to talk about this throughout the next couple of years – struggling to cope with the Catholic Church’s privileging of families in the midst of us struggling, often silently, because there is not an outlet to talk about infertility in the Church.

This struggle with our identity as childless, infertile couple in the Church has increasingly re-entered my consciousness as American Catholics prepare to welcome Pope Francis. Many in the Church – and even those outside of the Church – praise Pope Francis as the “people’s pope” actively reaching out to the marginalized and recognizing the humanity in each individual. As he prepares for The World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia, I hope that he considers the word family – I hope he ponders how that word has several meanings, several connotations – especially for the young Catholic couples who are having difficulty conceiving.

I should note at this point that the Catholic Church has come out and has stated that  “family” can include many different identities – single parents, divorcees, even those who never married. However, not explicitly mentioned are those who are infertile. My wish, my hope for Pope Francis as he meets American families is to think about the ways in which the Church continues to ignore those who are infertile. Those who deeply desire a child, a desire rooted in Catholic teaching – but who cannot naturally conceive.

What I hope that does not happen is that Pope Francis suggests how infertile couples can parent in “alternative” ways – as aunts and uncles or through religious mentorship. Yes, these are all ways to find a version of parenting in the everyday. But it does not resolve the reality that my husband and I continue to feel “othered” at mass and continue to feel a deep void in being unable to conceive our own child, our own family.

Further, it should be noted, that some reading this piece may assume that adoption is well-suited alternative to resolving this deep desire. Historically, organizations like Catholic Charities have been great allies in assisting couples to achieve family-building. Yet, today, the reality is that adoption is simply not as common nor as successful as it once was. No longer can a couple simply walk into a place like Catholic Charities, express a desire to adopt, and walk out with a child in their hands. This is a reality that the Catholic Church should begin to recognize and discuss during The World Meeting of Families.

I end this reflection then with a prayer. Pope Francis, I ask that as you prepare to discuss issues of concern to families across the world to remember those who cannot have a family easily. Pray that they may be able to find strength in the many other God has given them and that they may reach out and share their stories of struggling to have a family with all those who fail to understand the physical and emotional pain of infertility. Pray that the Catholic Church may better serve those who are infertile. In this I pray. Amen.