by Elizabeth Walker
Several years ago, I was sitting in my therapist’s office having a discussion. I don’t remember what we were talking about but I was likely sharing some recent stressful situation when she responded with something like, “I think that we can attribute this to your anxiety,” to which I replied, “Anxiety? I don’t have anxiety.” She looked extremely skeptical. That’s when it clicked, “Oh! You’re right. I DO struggle with anxiety.”
The truth was, being anxious and on edge was something that was so normal for me, I didn’t even recognize it as such. My mind never stops. I’m always thinking about what’s coming next, always running potential scenarios through my head. Worried about what might happen if I choose to do A instead of B. It’s distracting, stressful, and my infertility diagnosis only made it worse.
So, I became devoted to setting aside time in my day for meditation, hoping it would calm my mind. Usually it was before bed at the end of the day or during my commute to and from work. (I carpooled at the time. I do not recommend this if you are driving!) It wasn’t easy at first. I found that guided visualization seemed to work best for me but would still find myself distracted and thinking of everything but what the calm voice inside my ear buds was instructing me to. However, with practice, it became one of my favorite times of the day. Even better, before long, I didn’t even need to actually listen to the audio recording. I could just think about it and get relief!
The CD cover for Anji, Inc’s Meditation for the Fertile Soul.
One of my favorite meditations throughout this journey has been one by Anji, Inc, called Finding Stillness. It’s part of a collection called Meditations for a Fertile Soul. Part of this guided visualization focuses on finding your own place of peace within your body and imagining what it looks like. Mine is on my left side, just behind my lower ribs and is a pearlescent periwinkle. I began to imagine this place any time I felt the anxiety taking hold of me. It helped tremendously.
After some time, I wanted to create a physical representation of that space. I love creating little shadow boxes because they are small and don’t overwhelm me like a large, blank canvas sometimes can. So, I created this “Place of Peace” using a small cardboard box (think the kind jewelry comes in), a wooden frame, water color paper, paint, and feathers. 
My ultimate goal in this infertility journey is to feel peace. The feathers represent that lightness that I hope to feel when I have reached some resolution, whatever that may be.