Art Journaling to Cope with Infertility

Posted on May 14, 2015 by admin

I was very fortunate to wake up this morning in our nation’s capitol, where I will be advocating for legislation to help those with infertility. Sara Elliot, our guest blogger this week, was hoping to make the trip this year and was unable, but wanted to share her story with us via the ART of IF blog. Thank you, Sara for sharing your story with us!

Elizabeth

Art Journaling to Cope with Infertility

Many in the infertility community will be making their way to DC this week for Resolve’s Advocacy Day on Capitol Hill.

I can’t be there to advocate this year in person, but I still I wanted to help raise awareness about the 1 out of 8 couples who month-after-month, year-after-year are trying to build their family by any route available to them.

Let’s start with this. I never thought that I’d be a person who would “do” IVF. It’s taken a long time to come to terms with the loss of control over my body and my reproduction. With a diagnosis of PCOS and subclinical hypothyroidism, I am now both infertile – meaning we tried to get pregnant for over a year without assistance – and have experienced recurrent pregnancy loss. The combination is so difficult.

Around the time I first went to on OB/GYN to get testing, I found out that it took my grandparents 7 years to conceive my mother, so there is likely a genetic component to what I am going through. I remember my grandma saying, “Our children came along later” but I didn’t understand infertility might be the cause until I was faced with it myself.

For reasons we’re still trying to figure out with our doctor, we’ve conceived four times through assisted reproductive technology – 2 IUIS and 2 IVF cycles – and lost all 4 pregnancies. One was ectopic. One had a heartbeat we got to hear twice.

While going through this recent IVF cycle and loss, I turned to art journaling to process the emotions of this heart wrenching experience. I made a point to draw just a little bit every day, even if all I could muster was a few words in black pen. I’d often fill in the color on better days.

The art journal is a record of what kept me going, including song lyrics and reminders to take care of myself.

At the start of the New Year, I pick a new word to focus on. This year the word I chose was “Become.” This song by Iron & Wine got stuck in my head for weeks, so “Become the rising sun” has become a phrase I focus on a lot.

When we got an unexpected positive pregnancy test in February, I tried to remember to be happy in the moment. I was very anxious, given our history of loss. During this cycle, I saw the trailer for the documentary One More Shot by Noah Moskin and Maya Grobel Moskin. When Maya said, “In this moment, I am happy” I sobbed realizing how hard and necessary it is to grab a moment of happiness amidst all the bad news.

Fear of loss is a very typical response for women who have been through so much to get pregnant. Many infertile women talk quietly about the post-traumatic stress they experience. In the end, the only choice is to surrender, continue to persevere, and to figure out how to rebuild a life that includes more than just a few moments of happiness.

***

In 2010, my husband and I moved back to our home state of Michigan to be near family as we tried to have children. As the years of trying to conceive and maintain a pregnancy unfolded, an added heartbreak was that if we’d stayed in Massachusetts, our IVF health care costs would have been covered by insurance because state law in Massachusetts mandates coverage for IVF. Michigan law does not. Federal law does not. Money that we’d intended for a retirement account or a child’s college fund was instead spent on medical bills that were uncovered by our health insurance.

And let’s be clear – female and male sterilization is covered by our insurance plan, yet the most effective treatment for infertility, IVF, is not covered. As far as I can tell, the only logic for this policy is cost savings for the insurance companies. No working reproductive systems means no babies which means no hospital births and no well-baby visits to pay for on family insurance plans.

Despite all of our bad luck, we are lucky that we have some savings to spend on our health care needs. Many couples do not. And frankly, no one should have to spend five figures out of pocket to treat a diagnosed medical condition.

Only laws can change this situation.

Thank you to the women and men who are in DC advocating on our behalf this week.

A Year Without Answers – Guest Blog from Dr. Paul Turek

Posted on May 1, 2015 by admin

This is actually a guest post within a guest post! We had the honor of meeting Dr. Paul Turek from The Turek Clinic in Beverly Hills and San Francisco at our event in Calabasas, CA last week. Dr. Turek is passionate about art and we are excited to have him as an ART of Infertility sponsor!

Maria and I are very determined to include the stories of more men in the project and had two fantastic interviews with men while in California. We’re hoping to hear from more men who would like to share their stories and are working on developing ART of IF programming that will strike a bigger chord with men. Stay tuned! This is a two part blog so we’ll run this one today and another in a couple of weeks. Thanks, Dr. Turek for sharing your blog with us! Here’s a link back to Dr. Turek’s blog so you can read more posts from him.

Elizabeth

A Year Without Answers

Posted on March 12, 2012 at 8:00 am. — Written by Paul Turek, MD
Categories — Azoospermia, Fatherhood, Genetic Infertility, Male Infertility, Reproduction, Sperm Count, Stress

Elemental, a painting by A.J. Russell — “Elemental” Courtesy of the Artist: A.J. Russell

This is a guest post from a patient who lives in Europe. He recently recontacted me about his experience with male infertility and how it affected him. Moved by his story and by his emotional fortitude, I asked him if he could share his remarkable journey with others.

“The day we met with Dr. Turek was a week filled with hope and happiness. Almost a year earlier, on the same day, I went through a biopsy with the result that there were no sperm. So when we found out about Dr Turek, this really felt like the last chance, the last hope. Therefore the decision to travel across the world to see him was an easy one. The visit and procedure went well, but, again, the result from mapping showed no sperm. And no answer as to why this is.

It has been a year since I spoke with Dr. Turek about these results, a year characterized by disappointment, anger, sadness and worst of all, no answers. There were simply no answers to be found. Why me? Why now? What now? Literally a thousand questions ran through my head interfering with my daily life, keeping me up at night and affecting my relationships. I had never felt anything like this before.

I wanted so badly to not feel alone in this. I wanted someone to understood my plight, without me having to explain every small detail, because you can´t explain this feeling.

I needed to talk about it. I just couldn’t bury it. But, who was I going to talk to? And what would I talk about? I felt isolated as there appeared to be a big taboo regarding this topic. Anyone I spoke to told me focus on other things in life. But how are you supposed to do that when all you think about is the fact that you can’t have your own children? I knew no one with a similar experience who would step forward and talk about his experiences and feelings. Google searches were pointless, as the Internet does not care and information on coping is useless.

That year was best characterized by the feeling of being lost and trying to find my way in darkness without a map or light. I felt that I was in a deep, dark place, especially when I tried to look forward into the future.

Feeling alone, I began suppressing everything. All feelings, thoughts and discussions were avoided. I told my close family that I did not want talk about this matter anymore. It was a buried subject for me, never to see the light of day again. The reason for this was that talking about this issue within the family only made things worse. One problem with this approach was that the bright spots in my life also suffered along side. The subject became an 800-pound gorilla that, although ignored, never left the room. Maybe the gorilla was bigger than 800-pounds as the family dynamics changed greatly.

Then I became angry, sometimes uncontrollably. This was when I could see that I was approaching rock bottom. The slightest annoyance, comment or action sent me into a furious rage where I often exploded at whomever was next to me. Many times it was my wife, which led us to the brink of divorce. We were both tired of fighting and there appeared to no other solution to end the fighting but dissolving the marriage. This moment was a real eye opener for me.

What helped keep me going to some degree during this time was my job. As a futures trader, my work was very involving and in the moment. Believe it or not, it was also logical and predictable, in a mathematical sort of way. It could be explained and reasoned with and while doing it, I could leave all my troubles behind. But I couldn´t hide in my job forever.

I turned the corner at rock bottom when I realized that if I did not start controlling my emotions and start being honest with myself, my life as I knew it would change dramatically. It was on that day, a very cold one in December, that I realized that I was just too exhausted to continue to fight with myself and others. I couldn’t bear to face another year continuing on the same as the last. So, I stopped lying to myself and began to face the reality of my emotions.”

The second and final part of this guest series will be available Monday, March 19th.

GET HELP TODAY

Schedule a private consultation or second opinion with Dr. Turek to learn more about your treatment options and get all your questions answered.

Schedule Now

Why Share Your Infertility Story?

Posted on April 24, 2015 by admin

When do you make the decision “to come out” with your infertility?

This is a difficult and risky decision that is never made lightly.

Reflecting back on my own grappling with this question, it has dawned on me that while I feel rather “out” with my infertile identity — I am still forced to think about this question on a daily basis.

Maria Novotny sharing her story at the Examined Life Conference in Iowa City.

In fact, I continually find myself in new situations where I need to quickly assess if, how, and when I share with others my infertile identity.

Common examples include:
• A student of mine notices that I’m married and asks, “Ms. NJ, do you have any kids of your own?”
OR
• When a new neighbor moves in down the street and comments, “We love the idea of raising a family in this neighborhood. Do you guys have any kids?”

Over the years, I have tried to be more honest when asked such questions and invite a conversation with others about the realities, struggles, and even funny moments one experiences with infertility. But it is still hard to wear my infertility on my sleeve.

This brings me to why I love #NIAW. This is a week where not only am I reminded that I am not alone in these experiences but that there is power in sharing your story. When we share our stories of infertility, we disrupt commonly held beliefs that it is easy to get pregnant, that women can always control their fertility, and that infertility impacts many, many lives.

When we share our infertility stories with others, we increase general awareness and better inform the greater population about the realities of (in)fertility. In coming together as a community and telling our stories, we break the bubble on many commonly held assumptions. We ask others to no longer:

• Assume that our degree of femininity can be measured by our fertility;
• Assume that infertility can always be fixed through medical treatments and/or adoption;
• Assume that infertility only effects women ages 35+;
• Assume that infertility is only a white, middle-class issue;
• And (most importantly) assume that the decision to share your story is not a ploy to elicit pity but a decision made because infertility is an identity you deeply live everyday.

Moreover, while telling our stories can be difficult, it can bring healing and even laughter. And we can tell our stories in many different forms – through poetry, artwork, even a conversation at the grocery store. That is the wonderful fact about stories, they are accessible and can be communicated and represented in many different forms.

Take the image generated below.

This is one of the many ways that I tell my infertility story. Playing with the genre of the pregnancy announcement, I disrupt commonly held expectations about my body and my marriage. The image is intended to trigger feelings of disorientation to those who do not live with infertility on a daily-basis. And what I love most about this image, is that not only does it generate a message but it elicits an emotional response. It stops people. It makes people rethink the impact a pregnancy or baby announcement may have on an infertile woman. In many ways, it invites those who aren’t infertile to experience the disorientation, silence, and sadness often accompanied with infertility.

And so, as #NIAW comes to a close, I invite you to ponder how your infertility story can contribute to spreading awareness to others about the realities of infertility. And even if you do not feel comfortable or able to share your story with others, I invite you to take a moment this week and try to create a piece of art, a line of poetry, or a even a short story that documents your own infertility journey. Infertility can often be described as hopeless, isolating, and frustrating – but in crafting your story you can also find moments of laughter and moments of personal growth. By representing and reflecting on your infertility story, I hope you may find a path to healing and most of all a path to laughter.

Kickstarter – Help us take the ART of IF to Washington, D.C.

Posted on April 24, 2015 by admin

As I began writing this, Maria was somewhere up in the sky or enjoying her layover in Minneapolis and I was about to board my flight to LAX. The past month has been a whirlwind prepping for our exhibit in Iowa City last weekend and Los Angeles County, this Saturday. I can only imagine that the next few weeks will fly by as well!

RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day is May 14th and Maria and I, along with Maria’s husband, Kevin, and my mother, Judy, will be on Capitol Hill in Washington, lobbying for legislation to help those with infertility build their families.

The ART of Infertility is heading to Washington, D.C. with a pop-up exhibit and workshops on May 15.

On Friday May 15th, we’re holding a pop-up art exhibit and writing and art workshops at Busboys and Poets at 5th and K in Washington, D.C. from 3 – 7 pm. The event is free and open to the public. We have artwork coming in from around the country (we’re still accepting art entries if you’d like yours included, click here.) and will be displaying local artwork, as well as a selection of the portraits and stories we’ve collected over the past year. Marissa McClure Sweeny will be teaching an art workshop and Jenny Rough, who you heard from on our blog yesterday, will lead a writing workshop. Registration is required for the workshops so please contact us if you’d like to attend. These community art events are powerful tools for raising awareness about infertility and building a network of support for those living with the disease.

The event in DC will be our 13th in a little over a year. (Is that possible? I had to check it 4 times to believe it was right!) We’ve been almost completely self-funded until very recently and, if the project is going to be sustainable and allow us to provide a creative outlet to more people in more cities, we know we can’t continue that trend. It’s been suggested by those who like what we are doing that we launch a Kickstarter campaign to allow people to easily contribute to the cause.

A screen shot of the Kickstarter campaign we hope will help take the exhibit to Washington, D.C.

If you’re not familiar with Kickstarter, here’s how it works. You have an opportunity to contribute to a project, in this case, our pop-up exhibit and workshops in D.C. and get a little something from the project in return. We have some cool ART of IF swag featuring art from the project as rewards for contributing (ART of IF T-shirt, journal, or messenger bag, anyone?), as well as opportunities to get framed artwork from the show and a digital version of the exhibit we put together for D.C. We set a goal of $3500 and only receive money if our funding goal is reached. We don’t make it to $3500, we don’t get a thing. We only have 20 days to reach our goal! So, we’re asking for your help in funding this show in our nation’s capitol. Will you please join us in supporting the men and women with infertility in the DC area and those traveling in from around the country for Advocacy Day by contributing to our campaign? Here’s the link! ART of IF in DC Kickstarter Campaign.

Thank you!

Elizabeth

Introducing the ART of IF Blog

Posted on April 21, 2015 by admin

One year ago, I was just two months out from learning my final embryo transfer was unsuccessful. The reality of that hadn’t yet sunk in. My husband, Scott, and I had been trying to conceive for five years and had endured five rounds of Clomid with timed intercourse, 4 inter-uterine inseminations with hybrid cycles of both pills and injectable medications, and one IVF cycle that resulted in internal bleeding, ovarian torsion and emergency surgery in the middle of the night. There were other surgeries along the way too. Surgery to look for Endometriosis, surgery to remove polyps, and one to remove the remnants of my only pregnancy; the twins I miscarried after our first embryo transfer. Our treatment journey was over. I was both relieved and panicked.

The first pieces of art work I made in response to my infertility, created while recovering from surgery #1.

The first pieces of art work I made in response to my infertility, while recovering from surgery #1.

At that same time, the ART of Infertility’s first exhibit was just a few weeks in to its run at the Ella Sharp Museum in Jackson, MI. I didn’t set out to do more than one exhibit. I wanted a way to raise awareness in my community and figured that sharing the artwork I’d been creating as a way to cope with my infertility diagnosis, along with the artwork and stories of others, would be a way to do so. Working on that show was therapeutic for me and it was amazing to see how participating in the show was so helpful for others as well. It gave us a voice, helped our friends and family understand our disease, and expanded our community. I decided I couldn’t just stop at my hometown and took the show on the road.

The opening reception for our first exhibit, The ART of IF: Navigating the Journey of Infertility at the Ella Sharp Museum in Jackson, MI. Photo by Sarah Gough

In May, I traveled to RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day to lobby on Capitol Hill for legislation to help improve the lives of those with infertility. While I was there, I met Maria Novotny, who is a fellow RESOLVE Peer-led Support Group host on the west side of the state in Grand Rapids. Maria was interested in the project and it wasn’t long before she was a part of the team. With Maria’s help and tremendous help from my parents, my husband, my acupuncturist extraordinaire, Krissy Clark Rock, and other amazing volunteers and supporters, I’ve collected over 50 interviews over the past year and had exhibits on display in three states. We’ve held art, writing and informational workshops and assisted people in building their families by connecting them to people and resources who can help them. We’ve also built an amazing network by putting men and women in touch with others with similar diagnoses and in similar situations so they don’t feel so alone in their journeys.

Kevin Jordan, Maria Novotny, Sarah Powell, and me at RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day, May 2014.

As much as we’ve been able to do in the past year, there’s so much more to be done. There are so many people who want to share their stories and, in an effort to help give a platform to those we can’t meet in person quite yet, we’re starting this blog. We’ll be sharing stories and artwork from the project and invite guest bloggers to share their own perspectives. As always, we invite you to share your stories through your artwork and writing, your interviews, and now, our blog.

Sorting exhibit labels in our Sacramento hotel room before the Northern California Walk of Hope.

Working on this project has been incredible. Hearing the stories of others and sharing mine has helped me process the grief of my infertility. I’ve met amazing individuals and families along the way and am constantly amazed and honored by the ways are willing to share their lives with me, and in turn with you. This journey is just beginning. I’m so very excited to see what the future holds.

On a hike with project participant, Bee, in San Rafael, CA.

Elizabeth

ART of IF

The official blog of the traveling art exhibit and oral history project, ART of Infertility.

Tag Archives: infertility

Art Journaling to Cope with Infertility

A Year Without Answers – Guest Blog from Dr. Paul Turek

Why Share Your Infertility Story?

Kickstarter – Help us take the ART of IF to Washington, D.C.

Introducing the ART of IF Blog