Myth – Infertility awareness is only important for one week in April.

Last week was a big week for us, it was National Infertility Awareness Week. We believe in raising awareness about infertility year round and one of the biggest days of the year is right around the corner. What is it? Advocacy Day. It’s a day when those in the infertility community, and their friends and family, descend on Washington, D.C. and have meetings with their legislators, encouraging them to support the bills that will improve the lives of those with infertility by helping them build their families. If you’ve never done anything like that before, it might sound a bit scary. I’ll admit I was a bit nervous the first year I attended. However, that nervousness was quickly replaced with a feeling of strength and empowerment I hadn’t before felt in my infertility journey.

Maria and I attended our first Advocacy Day in 2014. It's where we met! Here we are with Maria's husband, Kevin Jordan, and one of my best friends, Sarah Powell.

Maria and I attended our first Advocacy Day in 2014. It’s where we met! Here we are with Maria’s husband, Kevin Jordan, and one of my best friends, Sarah Powell.

Advocacy Day is on May 11th this year. The deadline for registration is this Wednesday, May 4th. Have ever felt discouraged by the out of pocket expenses you’ve incurred due to your disease? Ever wished that there was more research being done about conditions like Endometriosis or PCOS that can contribute to infertility? Have you wished that there was more support for potential adoptive families? Have you thought it’s an outrage that there is a ban on IVF for veterans? If so, this is an opportunity for you to tell law makers how you feel and be a part of changing things for the better. Maria and I will be there, along with many of the individuals you’ve read stories about here. Candace Wohl, Judy Horn, Lindsey, Jennifer, Katie Lelito, Cindy Flynn, Brooke Kingston, Risa Levine, Angela Bergmann, and more. If any of these people’s stories inspired you, here’s a chance to meet them in person! I will happily introduce you!

Need more inspiration? Check out the videos below!

Please, meet us at Advocacy Day!

Elizabeth

 

 

 

#startasking: How Infertility Prepared Me to Be a Mom – Camille’s Perspective

Camille Hawkins, MSW, LCSW is the Executive Director of Utah Infertility Resource Center. She reflects on her experience with infertility and shares 5 ways her infertility struggle taught her to be a great mom to her daughters. This post does contain images of babies and parenting. Thank you for sharing your insights, Camille!

I was recently part of a discussion in a “Pregnancy & Parenting after Infertility” Support group. The question was posed: Would you change the fact that you struggled with infertility?

How would life be different if I didn’t struggle with infertility? Even though this was the most difficult experience of my entire life, would I change it? It brought more heart ache, more tears, took more energy, and also more money than any other trial I’ve faced.

The consensus as each group member deeply reflected on this question was a resounding no. If you would have asked each of them in the heat of the struggle, the answer would have been different. But the common theme was that they had gained so much from their infertility journey, and there were still some very difficult parts about it, but they wouldn’t trade it.

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Camille pictured with her infant daughter.

My husband and I met at Utah State University in 2007. Once married, we waited a year to start trying to have a baby. We quickly learned it wouldn’t come easy. After 5 years of tracking monthly cycles, timed intercourse, surgery, fertility medications, injections, intra-uterine inseminations, in vitro fertilizations, a miscarriage, and being completely broken down emotionally, we became parents to two beautiful girls through the miracle of adoption. Becoming a mom was the best day of my entire life. I will never forget that feeling.

Even though my life is now consumed of changing diapers, making bottles, and rocking crying babies during the night, my infertility will always be a part of me. My diagnosis makes it so I will always be infertile. The wound of infertility may be healed in my heart, but the scar will always be there as a reminder of all I went through to get my girls. This journey has shaped my life more than anything else has. It helped me be the best mom I could be.

Here are 5 ways my infertility struggles taught me to be a great mom to my daughters.

  1. Peace – coming to accept my situation was difficult and took a lot of time and energy. I had to grieve every time I had a failed cycle, a failed treatment, grieve the death of my embryos, and the loss of my only pregnancy. I had to grieve having a biological child –the one I always dreamed of looking just like my darling husband. As a woman, I had to grieve not being able to experience pregnancy, child birth, breast feeding, and the things I was raised to most closely associate with womanhood. Through this process, frustration and resentment for my imperfect body eventually turned to peace and acceptance. I learned that things aren’t going to be perfect in life, but I can still be okay. I will teach my daughters their bodies are unique and special, and don’t have to be perfect in order to be beautiful. I will help them find peace and acceptance with the situations they find themselves in so they can look for the happiness and joy that surrounds them.
  1. Balance – I grew up in a culture that taught my most important and divine role would be that of a mother. Everything should revolve around that role, even my education, my career choices, everything. When I realized I was unable to conform to that norm, I was forced to either sit around and do nothing while the time passed, or do something productive with my time. I decided to get a master’s degree in social work and begin a career in counseling. I worked at a nonprofit community mental health center helping children heal from trauma. I volunteered with an organization running kids grief groups. I fell in love with my husband over and over again, traveled the world, and I became a dog mom, enjoying the beautiful outdoors hiking with my two retrievers. Infertility tends to consume you completely, like a black hole. The lows were the lowest I could ever imagine. Learning to keep balance in my life was crucial to surviving the black hole of infertility, and I’m learning that balance as a mom is crucial to being the best mom I can be to my daughters. I would like my daughters to have balance in their lives too, and to know it’s okay to be lots of things, do to lots of things, and most importantly to take care of themselves.
  1. Patience – Infertility makes you wait…….and wait……..and wait some more. It makes you cry night after night, feeling hopeless and that all is lost. False hope is sometimes the only thing you have left. I learned that things don’t work out necessarily in the way I expect, but it’s possible for them to work out in some way. My mom told me I was a very impatient child. I wanted things NOW! Patience is something I was forced into learning through my infertility journey. Now as a mother, patience is my saving grace. Motherhood is not easy; I never said it was going to be. Having patience shoved down my throat during infertility has allowed me to see things in motherhood through a different lens. I can make it through my baby’s crying spell. I can make it through my daughter refusing to sleep throughout the night. I can make it through two babies crying at once……Infertility helped me learn the patience for these moments.
  1. Appreciation – When you yearn for a child, you yearn for the good and the bad. Being a mother isn’t easy, but I realize I appreciate all the moments so much more than I would have because I worked so hard to get there. My girls will grow up knowing how much they were wanted, how much they were sought for, and how special they are. I know I am so lucky, so blessed, and so fortunate to be “Mamma” to my sweet baby girls. I have so much gratitude for their birth families for entrusting us to raise these little girls.

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    Camille with her two girls and husband.

  1. Determination –I have met many women who struggle with infertility and I have found that these are some of the strongest women in the world. My husband and I experienced failure month after month, year after year, and still we pressed on. We did this because family is so important to us and we would not stop until we became parents. I learned I can do hard things, and my daughters will learn they can do hard things too. When I face failure and frustrations in motherhood, I remind myself of the obstacles I have overcome and rely on that strength to get me through hard times.

The journey of infertility is treacherous. No one deserves the pain that comes from an inability to get or remain pregnant when that is their deepest desire. The wound of infertility often runs deep. But there is hope. There is a lot we can learn. And we can have tremendous growth which can prepare us to be great parents when that glorious day finally comes.

 

 

 

Myth: You’re Alone in Your Infertility Journey

When I was first diagnosed with infertility, I felt like I was living on my own deserted island. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell people about how overwhelmed, sad, and lost that I was feeling. It was that I didn’t know who I could tell that would understand. I remember telling one of my good friends to which they responded, “Oh, don’t worry Maria. It will happen, you guys are young. You just have to give it time.”

I remember thinking, “No, you don’t understand. You don’t know how difficult it is for me to even get out of bed in the morning. You don’t know how upset I get when I see a pregnant woman pushing a cart in the grocery store. You don’t know how angry I get when I see a family taking a walk around my block. You just don’t know how deeply these little, everyday activities can trigger feelings of intense sadness.”

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Maria, with her husband Kevin, who have now lived most of their 5-year marriage with infertility.

For a while I didn’t think I would meet anyone who would understand how I was feeling. And so I started to isolate myself – from my family, friends, even partially from my husband. I felt that I didn’t have anything to worthy to contribute to conversations or events, so I just removed myself from them.

My feelings of wanting isolation, however, began to change when I made the decision to attend RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day in 2014. Tired of living on this so called “infertile desert island,” I convinced my husband to make the drive from Grand Rapids, MI to Washington, D.C. to maybe start doing something about my frustration and isolation rather than just complain about how I was feeling.

How one decision can change your life. Seriously.

While at Advocacy Day I began to feel like I was taking action to not just change my life but the life of thousands of other infertile men and women silently suffering with the disease, the most impactful takeaway were the friendships that I formed. Particularly, my friendship with Elizabeth Walker.

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Maria and Elizabeth in San Francisco, CA in July 2015 for the ART of Infertility.

For Elizabeth and me May 2014 was our first Advocacy Day. Both of us were representing the state of MI and so we spent most of the day together walking the halls of Congress handing out letters and asking our representatives to sponsor infertility related bills. Perhaps it was the experience of doing something totally out of your everyday that helped form such a strong bond. Or perhaps it was simply a friendship that was suppose to be. But whatever it was – Elizabeth and I both knew that we found another person who we could confide in and who simply got one another.

Since Advocacy Day in 2014, Elizabeth and I have worked together on the ART of Infertility. Traveling to numerous states, hosting art and writing workshops, dropping in at prominent fertility clinics to talk about the project, talking about infertility at academic conferences, and even mentoring young college interns about infertility. We are busy but being busy has also saved me – made me feel like I am being productive, no longer wallowing away on my infertility island.

I often think what my life would be like if I never met Elizabeth. Thinking about this, I get lost and overwhelmed. Our friendship has been integral to my healing, to my strength and to my commitment to always advocate on the behalf of those who are infertile. She has become not just my infertile sister, she’s simply Liz – my big sis.

And so while there are a million different reasons to consider attending Advocacy Day this year on May 11th, one of the most powerful reasons to attend is because it could quite literally change your life through the friendships you may form. If I never met Elizabeth that May 2014 during Advocacy Day, my life would not be what it is today. So, I encourage you all – if you are feeling alone, in despair, frustrated and ready to make a change – come to Advocacy Day where you will be greeted by hundreds of other infertile women and men who understand exactly how you are feeling. You will be amazed.

Advocacy Day isn’t just about coming together to advocate for infertility rights, it is also about coming together as a group that has been told their stories shouldn’t be told, their stories don’t count enough to be considered for legislative action. It is a coming together as a force of women and men who have become friends from across the U.S. to change how we think, talk, and support issues of infertility. Advocacy Day is powerful as it is a pure embodied display of how the coming together of friendships can make change.

Join us!

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Maria and Elizabeth outside the Capital Building during Advocacy Day 2015.


ART Roundup

Artwork is something that can help people during the healing process as they are dealing with infertility. It is a way for people to get their anger and frustration out and take control over something in their lives again. Below is some of the powerful and emotional artwork that we have posted throughout the weeks.

Fertility Tornado: By Kristin Phasavath. This fertility tornado is a representation of what it feels like when you are swept up in anything fertility related. This fertility nurse is surrounded by this tornado every day and painting this was a way for her to release her frustrations. After gong through fertility treatment herself, she hopes that this painting will help connect many of her fertility comrades.fertility-tornado_webMy Time’s Running Out: By Andrea Diamond. This work of art is really a mention of how infertility can make you feel, both on the inside and outside. Barbie, who is society’s representation of true feminine beauty is ageless, while we all change and grow. Andrea feels that as she grows older the decline of her internal organs is represented in her physical appearance as well. This Barbie doll was an outlet for Andrea’s anger as she went through secondary infertility.my time's running out.2jpg

Untitled: By Abigail Glass. Abigail was on her second round of IVF when she had an orientation for an adoption agency. It took 9 months before they brought their son from Guatemala home. This piece represents her story and about 100 needles used on her fertility journey, which happens to be a small amount compared to over the years.

Infertility Box: By Sarah Clark Davis. This box has been a massive comfort for Sarah over the years. It has say on her bureau for a long time to remind her not to let infertility take over her life. The inside of the box was a way for her to let out her rage over the fertility treatment process. The quote by Michael J. Fox has really spoken to her throughout her treatment and has stayed with her so she wanted to make it part of the box as well.infertility boxSon-flower: By Shaelene Clark. This painting is something Shaelene spent a lot of time and emotion trying to complete. The broken pot is a representation of how Shaelene feels, broken but still trying to hold itself together. Through her 8 years of infertility she has had multiple miscarriages, which is represented in the dying flowers. After many years of trying, she was finally able to get her beautiful son-flower and the triumph of having a child after a rough delivery.Son-flowerInconceivable: By Aine Quimby. Aine was in her mid-twenties when she was told she was infertile. Through fertility treatments and miscarriages her body felt completely vulnerable and exposed. She poured all of her isolation and grief into this painting. She has connected with many people over the years who have had similar experiences and that has helped her express her feelings with people who can better understand the struggles.Inconcievable

Fertility Food Myths: Beneficial and Harmful Fertility Foods

By Danielle Bucco

One of the first things that happens when trying to conceive is a change of diet. Everyone tells you what you should and shouldn’t eat, what is going to help or hinder you from conceiving. This can get overwhelming trying to find what is actually helpful for you to eat. There are many myths surrounding the food that you should eat when you’re trying to conceive. Eat yams if you want to have twins is one of the many myths that people hear. There are foods that can help you with fertility but it is because of their innate health benefits.

veggiesOne thing that is important is to eat a lot of organic fruits and vegetables. If drinking dairy, try to get organic as well or switch to alternative sources such as almond milk or hemp milk. Dairy that is not organic should be avoided due to the added hormones and antibiotics causing hormone levels to be imbalanced. Organic fruits and vegetables lack all the added herbicides and pesticides that can be harmful to the body whether trying to conceive or not. Getting enough Omega 3 is important as well. This can be found in fish, nuts, and seeds. This fatty acid can have a healthy effect on the reproductive system as well as hormone functions.
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Some of the don’ts of fertility foods are anything containing a lot of caffeine. It may be hard to give up that morning coffee but it is important when trying to get pregnant. Soy foods are also something that has been shown to have hormone mimicking properties and should be avoided when trying to conceive. Foods containing high sugar levels should be avoided for health purposes during any point in life but particularly when trying to get pregnant. Artificial sugars can throw off your blood sugar levels, negatively effect your immune system, and hinder your hormone balance.

By leading an all-together healthier lifestyle the chances of conceiving raise higher. Eating healthy is something that will benefit your body no matter what stage of life you are entering into so it can be beneficial to let this healthy eating continue even after the need to become more fertile has stopped.

Reactions from an Intern

By Danielle Bucco

Version 2As a 21-year-old college student, I can say that all the different aspects of infertility had never occurred to me. It is not something that many people my age even hear about unless a friend or family member is going or has gone through it. If it hadn’t been for my communications internship with ART of Infertility, I would not have realized that it occurs to so many people and in so many different ways. Since I am not looking to start a family any time soon, I never really considered all the many different struggles that men and women sometimes have to go through to create a baby. It is even more shocking when people still cannot have their own children even with all the developments to science and technology, which only goes to show that there is so much more to discover.

As I mentioned earlier, one of the biggest surprises was the amount of people who go through infertility issues. Besides learning all about E-News spokesperson, Giuliana Rancic as a teenager (I loved her show), I never thought that it was something that so many people, both men and women, had to deal with. However, that is one of the reasons that I am so thankful to have an internship with this organization. Since it is such a personal issue many people find solace and comfort in other people who have gone through similar situations. It is like having a large support group where people will always be there to listen to any anger, frustrations, or just to share stories to show that no one is alone. This type of support is inspiring, especially when it comes to certain organizations dedicated to helping people who are dealing with infertility. It is like having another layer of support and during such a time of pain and frustration, there can never be too many people cheering you on, or picking up the pieces if it doesn’t work out.

One of my favorite parts about being an intern is hearing all the amazing stories from members of the infertility community. There are so many people who take the pain that they are feeling and use it to inspire others and to show that it is possible to survive such an emotional and physical journey after such immense disappointment. Two stories that stand out to me particu犀利士
larly were the stories of Katie and Angela. Both women took their pain and used it towards helping others. It is hard for someone, like myself, who has not gone through this to truly understand what it is like but hearing people’s testimonies is incredibly helpful to get an idea of how stressful it must be to try to conceive but continue to come across complications. By hearing stories about this, people who have not dealt with this can begin to understand how sensitive of a topic it can be to bring up and how everyone handles their grief in different ways. One of the most important things I learned from listening to these stories was to let people grieve in their own way. Not everyone is going to grieve the exact same way and that’s okay. It is only important to let them know that they have support and to be whatever that person needs them to be.EHW_4856ART-of-Infertility_Angela_3667

One of the toughest things about being an intern for an infertility organization is the learning curve. As I write blog posts or social media posts, I am still looking up what certain words mean or what the correct way of phrasing a certain condition is. Even coming across other posts, I find myself looking up certain words because I am confused by what they mean. It can be overwhelming at first but eventually it does start to get easier and of course with the occasional slip-up at times, I am expanding my knowledge of all different aspects of infertility.

Overall this has been such an incredible experience for a young intern such as myself. It has given me so much knowledge on a whole subject that students never learn about but is something that so many people deal with. One of the many things that I hope to take away from this experience is to talk about this issue more openly with others who may not understand. Although no one who has never gone through it will ever truly understand, hopefully by talking about it with others more, it will create a better understanding of the issue and bring further awareness to more generations.

 

Reflections from Advocate Katie Lelito on Managing your Infertility Identity

By Danielle Bucco

DSC_9969Those who are dealing with infertility understand how difficult it can be to decide who they are going to tell. Many want to maintain a level of privacy and only let certain friends and family members in on the news. Others, however, are more vocal about who they tell and explain it to coworkers, distant relatives, or neighbors. It is up to the individuals and couples themselves about what feels right for them and what would be the best decision for their family. Some also choose a third option like Katie Lelito. Katie is able to maintain two different identities, an online identity and a professional identity.

Katie is someone who is really passionate about advocating for infertility and did some great work at the University of Michigan (U-M) when she was a student there. She is very vocal online and in support groups about her story with infertility, however, none of her coworkers knew anything about her struggle to conceive at the time. She specifically wanted to maintain these two different identities because she found it can be much easier to be open online with a stranger as opposed to face to face. Katie only recently decided to break her anonymity by using her name for a few advocacy projects that she has been working on.

One of the ways Katie is active on the issue of infertility is to try and get employers to cover fertility treatments. She petitioned the University of Michigan to change their coverage policies and she was successful. University of Michigan gave all staff and students with grad care $20,000 max lifetime coverage for in vitro fertilization plus $10,000 drug coverage. This was an extremely important step in getting more employers to cover fertility treatments. She was also fortunate enough to bring this issue up with her own employer and was again, rewarded for her effort and passion with another success.

EHW_4856            Katie’s success at U-M was a big turning point for this issue. Many people in the university setting are passionate about many issues, one of them being infertility and how it is viewed in the workplace. Universities are also important because it is a good way to start change. Many people look to them to take the first steps towards certain issues and fertility coverage is no different.

Moving forward, Katie hopes to continue to be an advocate for infertility. She encourages people who want to ask their employers for coverage to talk to her or to read a list of 13 ways to help approach the topic with employers. Approaching an employer about such an important and personal topic can be terrifying but if employers start to accept these coverage ideas, it could help change people’s lives forever. This is only one of the areas that Katie is interested in but she has helped to make a difference in workplaces and is an inspiration to others looking to do the same. You can also learn more from an interview Katie did with Beat Infertility by listening to it here.

Friday News Roundup – March 25

A few of this weeks stories that we would like to share. 

Girl with a choice near the forked roadOn Infertility, Closure, and Letting Go: The Lessons of Perimenopause

 The Huffington Post

An inspiring story of a woman who is moving on after realizing her dream of having kids is not going to be a reality.

Childhood Cancer Poses Greater Infertility Risk for Male Survivorsmale-child-at-hospital

 Tech Times

Recent studies have discovered that between male and females who had undergone the same cancer treatments, the males have less of a chance of being fertile.

Reproductive Freedom Isn’t Just Birth Control and Abortion

 Radkitten

 The ability to access fertility treatments is another way for women to take control over their reproductive system.

2823cbe0-c943-0133-8259-0ed2e059c4cf9 Signs You Might Be Infertile

 Bustle

Even if you are not planning on having children anytime soon, this article can help to detect some of the earlier signs of infertility.

Going the Distance for Infertility Coverage – Reflections on Advocacy Day from Brooke

Today, Brooke Kingston shares why she travels 2000 miles from home to Washington, D.C. for Advocacy Day each year. Thanks, Brooke, for sharing your story!

Elizabeth

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Brooke after sharing a portion of her story with ART of Infertility during our mini interview sessions before Advocacy Day, 2015.

Two years ago this May, I boarded a plane in Phoenix, Arizona destined for Dulles International Airport in Virginia, a place I’d never been. I picked up my rental car and drove to a home in Sterling, where I would be staying for the next week. I was about to meet someone I’d been online friends with for 3 years, but had never met face to face. Our plans were to get pedicures, eat good food, and spend a day in Washington, D.C. talking to members of Congress.

You’re thinking I’m crazy, right? Maybe a little.

When I think back to the leap of faith I took flying across the country, meeting (and planning to stay with) someone I’d never met and committing to walk the halls of the Capitol, I’m still a bit surprised with myself. I’m a homebody. I hate public speaking. Why would I do something like this? To explain that, I need to back up a little more.

Five years ago this summer, my husband and I were diagnosed with joint fertility issues. We were given a 2% chance of ever conceiving on our own. Having agreed ahead of time that we wouldn’t do IVF, we spent the next year coming to the decision that we would choose a childfree lifestyle as our resolution to infertility. It was the hardest choice we’ll ever make as a married couple, but we made it together and committed ourselves to each other and began to heal.

Part of my healing process is creating. I took up new crafts and converted what would have been the nursery into an office and craft room. I learned to knit and returned to painting, something I’d enjoyed in high school. I baked and decorated cookies and cakes. I dabbled in photography and sewing. My Pinterest boards grew exponentially. When our first nephew was born in the summer of 2014, I learned to quilt and made 7 quilts in as many months, gifting them with love to friends and family. I poured myself in creating to fill the void.

The fifth quilt Brooke created.

The fifth quilt Brooke created.

The other part of my healing process is taking action. Infertility left me feeling helpless, and then angry at that feeling of powerlessness. To face that anger, as well as to find community and support, I became involved with RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. I started as a support group attendee shortly after our diagnosis and eventually became a group leader. I became involved in fundraising through the Arizona Walk of Hope, and eventually became the chair of the event. Later, I would become an Ambassador and assume the responsibility of being a positive face of RESOLVE in the community.

Brooke with fellow Advocacy Day attendees at the welcome reception in 2015.

Brooke with fellow Advocacy Day attendees at the welcome reception in 2015.

In the midst of this volunteer work, I heard about Advocacy Day. In 2013, I remember posting on Facebook that I would be there in 2014. I didn’t know what all was involved, but that was my goal, and I would not fail. Those were my words: “I will not fail.” I spent the next year saving for airfare. A friend who I’d met through infertility message boards and become close with – thanks to our spectacularly matched wit and diagnoses – offered her home as my place to stay and agreed to join me at the Capitol. I was beyond excited and nervous, but on May 7th, 2014, the day of my first Advocacy Day, I achieved the goal I’d made over a year earlier.

Brooke at Senator McCain's office during Advocacy Day 2014.

Brooke at Senator McCain’s office during Advocacy Day 2014.

It’s hard to describe the exact feeling of being at Advocacy Day. It’s awe-inspiring: from meeting the staff of RESOLVE, to hearing the empowering speeches of the event chairs at the morning training, to being in the Capitol building amidst the hustle and bustle of staffers and trams and security points. It’s intimidating sitting in front of a congressional staffer (most of whom were younger than me – you kind of want to ask if their parents know where they are), telling them you’re there because you’re infertile and you want their boss to support legislation that will make life better for people like you. It can be difficult to remember all the statements you carefully rehearsed and the facts about the bills you memorized when you’re nervous and your mouth feels dry and your palms are sweaty. Their political philosophy may be wildly different and you may feel like you’re talking to a wall.

But your voice is HEARD.

Whether my congressperson agrees with me or not, my voice was heard, and it was heard on behalf of 7.3 million Americans who weren’t there in that room that day. That’s an incredible sense of accomplishment. Even if they don’t agree to co-sponsor a bill, when we tell them that we’re there with a group of over 150 people from all over the country, that makes an impact. That tells them that we are a force, and that we matter. That’s the incredible feeling that drives me to attend Advocacy Day, to set aside my fear of public speaking for the greater good of my community. This May will be my third consecutive year attending, and I have no plans to quit.

Brooke and her online turned in-real-life friend, getting pedicures before Advocacy Day 2015.

Brooke and her online turned in-real-life friend getting pedicures before Advocacy Day 2015.

As for the friend I stayed with that first year, I’m doing that again, too. We’ve become the best of friends, and this is something we’re committed to doing together, along with the growing number of advocates we meet each year. Advocacy isn’t only about the message we deliver directly to congress. It’s about our community and how we foster it and make the environment better for those who can’t speak out. It’s about being with other people who understand the emotional complexity of the disease and using those emotions to drive action.

It’s about taking a leap of faith and believing that you can create a difference, start a conversation, and make things better for others.

Please consider joining Brooke at Advocacy Day in Washington, D.C. on May 11 this year. You can learn about how to get involved at resolve.org.

 

 

An LGBTQ Journey with Surrogacy

Here at ART of Infertility we strive to share a diverse community of stories including those that feature LGBTQ experiences. This past July, at a hotel in California, Maria and Elizabeth met with Rob and Scotty, a couple trying to conceive a child by using an egg donor and a gestational carrier. A gestational carrier, or gestational surrogate, is a woman who carries a baby created using a donor egg, not her own, while a traditional surrogate both provides the egg and the womb. Together for five years, Rob and Scotty have tried multiple times to conceive and are sharing their story in order to educate those about the journey and struggles that they have been through. We are proud to showcase Rob and Scotty’s journey to have children together. 

Lauren

Rob has always wanted children. He can remember being a member of the online community, “Surrogate Moms Online” for almost ten years, looking for egg donors and surrogates to carry his child. At this point, he doesn’t even remember how he found the group, it has just always been a resource to utilize.

Jump to October 2009, when Rob met Scotty and they began dating. At this point, Rob had already been trying to have children for quite a while with a traditional surrogate and Scotty was still a student trying to finish up his degree. Early in their relationship, when Rob was still in the process of working with a traditional surrogate, Scotty realized that he wanted to have children too.

Rob and Scotty 1

Scotty and Rob waiting in the lobby at the site of the egg donation.

“When we were dating, he was doing that process and in our relationship I didn’t feel that the kid was going to be mine if it did actually become successful, it would just be, I’m dating this person and that’s their kid.”

Scotty explained that that was the moment when he realized he wanted to have kids with Rob. He didn’t know when but he knew that eventually, that would be the right move. Because he was still in school, it wasn’t quite the perfect time but he pitched the idea to Rob and proposed that their kids be at least half-siblings by using an egg donor and a gestational carrier. Scotty confirms, “That’s how I always wanted to approach it and I was glad he was on board.”

Rob agreed and they did plenty of research. After going to a surrogate “get-together” in the area, Rob and Scotty realized that it would be perfect to use a gestational carrier in order for all of their children to have the same maternal DNA through an egg donor.

According to Rob, it made sense to utilize the same maternal DNA and then use a separate gestational carrier, “Because we’re having two or three kids” and a traditional surrogate might not want to undergo another pregnancy.

When the time was right, Rob and Scotty began trying to conceive with the help of Doctor Aimee, their reproductive endocrinologist. After securing both an egg donor and what Rob and Scotty call an “oven” they were ready to begin the process. When asked what an “oven” is, Rob laughs and explains that an oven is a gestational carrier who does not provide the eggs, she just acts as the carrier.

After plenty of blood tests and paperwork, both men provided sperm samples in order to have multiple embryos. When determining whose embryo would be transferred to the donor first, it was clear to Scotty that Rob had been waiting a long time to have a child. “I’m going to love our kid the same, it doesn’t matter, it’s the same. We’ve talked about having them one year a part.”

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Scotty fills out paperwork before one of their appointments with Doctor Aimee.

Rob and Scotty seem to have it all strategically planned out but they still have some concern for what the future might hold. They’re cautiously optimistic about their future children and take everything one step at a time.

“We don’t tell anybody where we are in the process. My parents are both passed but my sister knew we wanted kids.” Rob explains that it is difficult to update friends, Facebook acquaintances and everyone else on their quest to have a baby when their situation is so precarious. “It sucks but it sucks more when you have to start telling the world, ‘Oh yeah, that didn’t happen.’”

When it comes to Scotty’s family, things are a bit more difficult. His family isn’t even aware that they are trying and according to Rob, “We don’t know how she’s [Scotty’s mom] going to react either because of their Latin culture and he was brought up Mormon but his mom does accept me, she likes me.”

Scotty knows that he’s going to wait a bit to tell his family when the time comes. “I mean, my siblings know that I want to be a parent one day but like he said, they don’t even know where we are in that process.”

Rob and Scotty planted a tree on the day their embryos were created.

Rob and Scotty planted a tree on the day their embryos were created.

Despite the caution and waiting, Scotty already knows how he would tell his family of the news. He plans on testing out the news with his siblings while out to dinner, featuring an ultrasound image. After that, he’ll tell his parents. I want to have them come over for dinner. I want to make food that I cooked with my mom and my dad that they taught me. I could tell them ‘Hey you guys passed this down to me and I know how to cook this and that.’” Scotty’s idea is that he would pass those traditions on to his own children in order to honor his parents.

To some, it may seem like a lot of planning and strategy to tell the family something so exciting. For Rob and Scotty, it’s everything. They know that their situation isn’t necessarily traditional and that is why they exercise so much caution when it comes to the subject of growing their family. They’ve had some success but endured quite a bit of pain along the way and it is difficult to take a step back and admit that things didn’t work out.

It’s been a long road for Rob and Scotty–an even longer one for Rob. For now, they’ll continue to document their journey and share their story with others who are experiencing the same struggle. Rob excitedly showed Maria and Elizabeth some photos of their experience. As he flipped through the images, he explained each detail. “So this is in the car before we left to go do the egg donation. That’s Starbucks when we got the newspaper and then driving there. This is outside there. This is where the donation is. And then this is in the lobby area.”

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A cute little stress reliever while driving to an appointment.

The two are still working on the process and hope that something good will happen soon. Although it’s difficult to always be patient, they’re working toward their goal and they’ll remember every step of the way, thanks to modern technology. Hopefully one day, they’ll be able to share their pictures with their kids and enlighten other LGBT families with their experience. We here at ART of Infertility wish them all the best.