Giving Tuesday as a Not Quite Non-Profit

Posted on November 29, 2016 by admin

We are working with our attorney to finish up the last of our final paperwork for filing as a non-profit. We are excited about what this will mean for the sustainability of The ART of Infertility (ART of IF) and the work we do to educate about the experience of infertility and provide a creative outlet and community of support for those living with it. For those of you new to ART of IF, or who need a refresher, here’s a link where you can learn more about our mission and our team.

A participant works on a memory box at an art workshop in Ann Arbor, MI.

Our articles of incorporation were filed in June. This means that, considering that our final paperwork is accepted and non-profit status is granted (and we have no reason to believe it won’t be), any donations will be tax-deductible retroactively to the date they were filed. Long story short, you give, it will be a future tax deduction.

However, we have really been struggling with asking a population who has already sacrificed so much, to give more. Many of you have to pay out-of-pocket to even get testing to receive an infertility diagnosis, let alone have an attempt to build your family through treatment or through adoption.

You scrimp and save, give up the large and small luxuries in life, max out credit cards, take out home equity loans, just to have a chance to have what comes so easily and virtually free to most, a child.

So, if you’ve passed the point in your fertility journey where every penny counts, or have access to insurance that keeps your out-of-pocket costs low, then yes, by all means, we could definitely use some cash!

Our current storage space shortly after we moved in. It’s now filled to the brim and we need an upgrade!

Thanks to those of you who have generously shared your artwork and stories with us, we have an urgent need for a bigger storage space for our artwork and art workshop supplies for 2017. Ideally, we’d like a space that also allows us prep area for exhibits and workshops. You can help us by giving to our general fund at this link. Any amount, large or small, is greatly appreciated. Seriously!

If not, we totally understand. Here are some free and low cost ways to contribute to ART of IF to and the work we do to benefit the infertility community.

Ask friends and family you think would be interested in ART of IF to follow us on social media. We’re on Twitter and Instagram @artofif and on Facebook. You can learn how to ask your friends to like our page on Facebook by following these instructions.
Share a favorite blog post from ART of IF on social media.
Send us your infertility artwork, permanently or on loan, so that we can share it through our exhibits, blog, and website. You do not have to be a professional artist. We welcome any form of expression by those of any skill level.
An image from the series, “Infertility is the Worst” by Kelly Zechmeister-Smith

Schedule a time to share your story with us via an oral history interview. Interviews can be conducted in person or via phone or Skype.

Maria conducts an oral history interview with project participant, Angela, during Advocacy Day events in Washington, D.C.

We consider it an honor and a privilege to collect and share your infertility stories through our art exhibits and oral history project. None of what we do would be possible without your participation and we are grateful every day for what the gift of your stories allows us to do. Please help us continue our work by contributing to ART of IF now.

All the best,

Maria Novotny and Elizabeth Walker, Co-Directors of The ART of Infertility

We Are Strong Women

Posted on November 17, 2016 by admin

No matter who you voted for, waking up last Wednesday morning morning it was clear: the world has been changed. For Elizabeth and me, this took on particular meaning as we finalized our presentation for Merck KGaA’s As One For employee education day, an event devoted to Merck staff understanding the perspectives of patients using their products.

We made the trip to Switzerland with six suitcases and two backpacks full of art and supplies.

Sitting in our Coinsins, Switzerland L’Auberge Salon (aka – our small but quaint hotel room) – we decided to devote this presentation to all the infertile women who have had to struggle to fight for their dreams, fight for their passions, fight for a child. In honor of all of you who have graciously shared either your time, resources or both to The ART of Infertility – we dedicate this to you – the infertile but ever strong woman.

Here is a bit about our own personal stories and how we have found strength in our infertility.

-Maria

Elizabeth’s Story.

My husband Scott and I met on New Year’s Eve 1999, married in May of 2004, and five years later, decided to add to our family by having a baby.

I went off the birth control pill in March of 2009 and started charting my cycles. My chart was a mess. Definitely not what you want your chart to look like while trying to conceive. By fall, my chart was looking better but I was finding that the time between ovulating and starting my period wasn’t long enough to be optimal for implantation and to sustain a pregnancy.

My first chart off birth control.

Right around that time, Scott’s sister, Shelley, got sick. She was the recently divorced mom of three little girls. The girls began spending Shelley’s custody days with us. Suddenly we were thrown in to sleepovers, play dates, homework, and bath time. We were the ones to tuck them in at night, soothe them when they woke up from nightmares, and nurse them back to health when they were sick. The circumstances were terrible, but having them living with us was one of the very best experiences of my life. Sadly, Shelley died in January of 2010.

That March, their dad moved them to Minnesota. With the girls nearly 600 miles away, we were devastated. This was made even worse by the fact that it had been over a year since we started trying to conceive and we were officially dealing with infertility. I wondered if the time that the girls lived with us would be the only time we’d ever parent. We needed to see a doctor to get started with testing and treatment but took some time to heal first. Well meaning friends and family, not knowing we were trying to conceive and unsuccessful, suggested that having a child of our own might help us heal. While we wanted a baby, it was no replacement for the precious nieces that we were longing for.

By the end of the year, we were ready. At Thanksgiving, I was headed to testing and my sister she announced she was pregnant her second month of trying to conceive. We spent Christmas of 2010 with the girls in a hotel in Minneapolis. The entire trip, I was receiving test results and scheduling more appointments.

Between the end of 2010 and the end of 2012, I was diagnosed with Luteal Phase Defect, Endometriosis, and Diminished Ovarian Reserve. We endured five rounds of oral meds with timed intercourse, four intra-uterine inseminations with oral and injectable drugs, I had a diagnostic laparoscopy, and I joined a RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association support group and then became the group’s host.

What I personally found hardest about infertility was being stuck in limbo as my friends and family had children, all the decisions that infertility forces you to make, and the fact that it’s an invisible disease. In order to make my infertility visible, I started creating artwork.

The first piece of artwork I made during my IF journey.

The first piece created out of my infertility journey, made while on medical leave after an exploratory laparoscopy to remove polyps and endometriosis.

I learned that others were also using artwork to deal with infertility and in fall of 2012, pitched an “infertility art exhibit” to the Ella Sharp Museum in Jackson, Michigan, where I live. The exhibit would provide educational info on infertility, display the environmental portraits, artwork and stories of those living with infertility, and offer an art workshop. They said yes.

Early 2013 brought our one and only IVF cycle. My retrieval led to complications (internal bleeding and ovarian torsion) for which I needed emergency surgery. After I recovered, we transferred two of our three resulting grade 5AA blastocysts. I got pregnant, but miscarried twins early on. This all happened between the middle of February and June 1st and I needed a break after all we’d been through.

I spent the rest of the year working on the exhibit, compiling facts, making artwork, and photographing exhibit participants. I wanted to show them participating in activities other than infertility that defined them.

What I personally found hardest about infertility was being stuck in limbo as my friends and family had children, all the decisions that infertility forces you to make, and the fact that it’s an invisible disease. In order to make my infertility visible, I started creating artwork.

In February of 2014, we transferred our last embryo and I didn’t get pregnant. My husband and I had reached the end of our journey in attempting to have children that are genetically ours. We needed time to grieve and regroup with the idea that we may eventually move on to living child free or adopting from foster care. Two and a half years later, we’re still working on healing from all we dealt with. We need a bit more time to come to terms with what we’ve been through, and rebuild our relationship. However, I am starting to feel the pressure of time and the need to make a decision about how we will resolve our infertility. We are still considering living child free, especially since we have such a close relationship with the nieces we parented for a time. We are also considering using donor embryo, an option that I started considering after hearing the story of Noah and Maya, who I interviewed for the project.

In March of 2014, The ART of IF: Navigating the Journey of Infertility opened at the Ella Sharp Museum. Along with raising awareness about infertility through the art exhibit, I began lobbying for infertility legislation on Capitol Hill with my first trip to Advocacy Day in D.C. that May, where I met Maria Novotny.

Maria’s Story.

This is where my infertility story begins – at yes, believe it or not, the age of 15. I met Kevin, my now husband, at this age. Throughout high school and college, Kevin and I dated on and off. Ultimately, upon graduation we decided to get married. Both of us came from big families. In fact, my family was so large that my parents actually had my brother when I was 18. So the idea of being infertile NEVER crossed my mind. In fact, I was often warned that I would be “too” fertile. This was a joke at the time, but now is all too ironic.

Kevin and Maria with family on their wedding day.

After marrying at the age of 23, we moved to MI for Kevin’s job and bought a house. Soon we began nesting, adopting dogs and shortly after decided to “try”….

Months passed and nothing. No success. A year passed. And we knew something was wrong. I booked an appointment with my OB/GYN. Tests came back and it was suggested we go to our local fertility center.

We attended a consultation and left feeling completely overwhelmed. We were 24 and grappling not only with the numerous options available as well as financial cost – but also with the fact that we were trying to understand our new infertile identity. We felt paralyzed. We were living in a new state. We had no family near us. And we had few close friends. So, we decided to look for support…

But couldn’t find anything. Desperate just to meet someone else who was infertile, we turned to the internet and “came out” with our infertility. We shared our story on our local city’s newspaper and asked others if they too needed support. Slowly but surely, we began to connect with others looking for a safe space to deal with issues in a city that was rated by Forbes Magazine as “the #1 place to raise a family.”

At this time, I found myself needing to document my infertility journey. I felt a deep desire to capture the complex and confusing feelings that I was experiencing. So I began to write. Doing so, I wrote several pieces. One of which is titled The House, a piece now in The ART of Infertility which reflects on the house my husband and I bought prior to learning about our infertility.

As I began to do more creative writing pieces, I felt an increasing connection to return to school. As a college student, I majored in English. Learning how writing could help with emotional and physical healing, I started a Master’s program focused on writing and the teaching of writing. Graduate school became a place where I could escape the pressures of not conceiving, of not becoming a mom.

We attended a consultation and left feeling completely overwhelmed. We were 24 and grappling not only with the numerous options available as well as financial cost – but also with the fact that we were trying to understand our new infertile identity. We felt paralyzed. We were living in a new state. We had no family near us. And we had little to few close friends. So, we decided to look for support…

Today, I am in the last year of my schooling – finishing my PhD in an area that I call “rhetorics of infertility” which explores how writing and art are composition practices communicating the challenges women and men face when diagnosed with infertility.

And so, while I currently am not in treatment, nor am I pregnant – I still am very much in limbo. Very much in a place of not knowing what my next move should be. I am 30 now. I have lived the past 6 years knowing that I am infertile. But the need to make a decision about what to do next is so overwhelming that I am secretly hoping it will work itself out, that my husband and I won’t have to make a decision. This hope is what we call “limbo” – the not knowing of infertility and the sheer exhaustion that comes with its disease.

***

While we both have decisions to make about further growing our families, through ART of IF, Elizabeth and I have found more happiness, and peace than either of us has had in years. The connections that we have made with other infertile individuals and families, the work that we do in helping them along their journeys, and the awareness about the patient experience that we are able to raise, has given us fulfillment. For both of us, this project turned organization has become the baby that neither one of us could have.

We shared these stories with Merck employees, followed by a Q & A. Upon doing so, our co-presenter, a fertility specialist in the UK, concluded the session. She reminded all of us that while infertility can be difficult to learn about – both in terms of its sadness and depressing nature – we need to remember that infertility can make those dealing with it stronger. She spoke to the fact that The ART of Infertility is a testament to this. That when women face adversity, they can create beautiful things. We – the infertile – are strong (and powerful) women. We were very touched by her words and the important reminder that is especially relevant in this post-election time that we are now living. Let us not forget that our challenges have the potential to make us stronger and, through the lives we live and the work we do, we have the ability to make a positive impact on our own lives and the lives of those around us.

How have you found strength in your infertility journey? We would love for you to share it with us.

After traveling all night, we arrive at Merck to drop off the exhibit supplies.

Group works to educate its community and raise funds for infertility treatment.

Posted on July 19, 2016 by admin

We’ve been pretty quiet on social media since returning from San Francisco because we’ve been busy working behind the scenes. Maria has been hard at work on her dissertation and I’ve been working with a student to reorganize and inventory all of our supplies and artwork. We’ve both been working on our 501(c)(3) paperwork and working with hosts in cities around the country to plan upcoming exhibits and workshops. Those that are confirmed are on our schedule. We hope you’ll join us!

In today’s guest blog post, we’re bringing you the story of a group of infertility friends in Indiana who has put together an infertility outreach and fundraiser event in their community. They plan to provide infertility education, fun activities for kids and adults, and to raise money to help those in their group pay for treatment. Thank you Brandy and Kelly Jania, Jennifer and DJ Cavenaugh, Jessica and Steve Ziller, and Amanda and Sherman Wallace, for educating your community and sharing your stories!

-Elizabeth

Group works to educate its community and raise funds for infertility treatment.

On Saturday June 21, 2014 the RESOLVE Peer-led Infertility Support Group first met at an eclectic coffee shop in Crown Point, Indiana. It began with the intention of preventing women and couples from feeling the isolation that infertility can cause. Brandy, the group founder exclaims, “I have to be honest. I started the group for kind of selfish reasons because I needed support! I never expected to gain true friendships with some of the strongest women I have ever met!”

The group began with three women and as of June 2016 the group has seen 35 women participate at various levels. As the group passed our two-year anniversary we took a moment to celebrate four miracles and the highly anticipated arrival of one rainbow baby expected in August!

These women not only offer physical support by meeting on a monthly basis but offer emotional support and encouragement, laughter, infertility education, personal experiences and let’s not forget the “can you believe what I was told?!” support. Jennifer says “The group makes me feel normal. I don’t feel like an outcast even though we all have different journeys. With it I don’t feel alone.” Amanda shared “The group gives me hope that I can make a family and makes me feel like I am not alone.” Our support group meets on the third Saturday of every month at 10 am at Sip and is looking to offer support to any woman who may feel alone.

The flier for the Fighting for Our Families Infertility Education and Fundraiser Event

In the state of Indiana, IVF can range in cost from $10,000 – $20,000. Medication costs can add another $3,000 – $6,000. Indiana is not required to provide infertility insurance coverage, as it is considered “elective”. Therefore, most looking to pursue infertility treatments are forced to pay out of pocket for treatments rendered. Some members from the group decided to plan the outreach/fundraiser event, Fighting for Our Families. It is scheduled for Saturday July 30^th from 10 am to 2 pm at Fire Station 2, 7905 Taft St. Merrillville, IN and will have various speakers and educators as it relates to the infertility journey. There will also be vendors selling merchandise, a silent auction, activities for children, a DJ, bean bag tournament, 50/50 raffle, t-shirt sales, a bake sale, and lots of food! Jessica shares her feelings about the event saying “I am most excited about getting information out to the public. Facts. Where to find help and where to find support. I feel the State of Indiana really lacks the resources and information to help people through the rollercoaster that is the infertility process.”

When asked about the event, Brandy states “I am most excited about seeing the community as a whole come together. I mean, how incredible to see people coming together to offer support and learn information on a topic that seems so taboo.”

This year’s event will offer all funds received to be given to four couples: Brandy and Kelly Jania; Jennifer and DJ Cavenaugh; Jessica and Steve Ziller, and Amanda and Sherman Wallace. Read their personal stories below and please consider attending the event.

The Janias – We were married September 19, 2008 and in November 2010 we agreed we were ready to start a family. Our 5 ½ year journey has taken us to 2 OBGYN’s, 3 fertility specialists, HSG test, 9 clomid cycles, 2 unsuccessful IUI’s, Laparoscopy, 1 cyst measuring 10 inches with 2 ounces of fluid drained, 2 successful IVF’s that resulted in miscarriages, and endless blood work. Upwards of $30,000 later, we come before you with heavy hearts and empty arms but deeply hopeful for the long awaited positive pregnancy test and then a healthy and beautiful delivery of a baby of our own. We have been together for 13 years and have both devoted our professional lives to helping people; Brandy working in Social Services and Kelly working in the EMS field. We are by no means financially well off; however, the public service jobs are not fields to enter in hopes of becoming rich. After our most recent loss on March 17, 2016 we began seeing a Recurrent Miscarriage Specialist to determine next steps which appear to be a 3rd round of IVF.

The Cavenaughs – DJ and I decided to start trying for a family in 2009. We never expected to go through all that we have and continue to do. After trying for a year we tried Clomid and got pregnant. Unfortunately, we miscarried a week later. Through an infertility specialist we went through 3 unsuccessful rounds of IUI with injectable medications. We got pregnant again naturally; this time miscarried a few days later. We have gone through 4 IVF retrievals since then with 10 embryo transfers. 2 Frozen Embryo Transfer cycles we were lucky enough to get pregnant with twins each time, sadly both of those pregnancies ended shortly after. Our last pregnancy we conceived naturally. This was the best looking one yet! Levels rose wonderfully and we were filled with so much hope. When I went for my 1^st ultrasound the nurse said after a few minutes of looking, I’m sorry, there’s nothing here. I didn’t understand how that was possible. After waiting as long as we could it was determined to be ectopic, or a pregnancy of unknown location and I was given shots to end it. All this heart break but we are still Fighting for our Family!

The Zillers– We have been on this journey for 5 years now, which has consisted of extensive testing, surgeries and procedures including blood work, hysterosalpingogram, two D & Cs, hysteroscopy, laparoscopy and sperm count tests. In November of 2015 through the recommendation of our fertility physician we attempted an unsuccessful IUI. During the testing for the IUI we learned that Jessica has a low AMH level. A Low AMH level could mean our time is running out as her egg quantity may be very low. The current recommendation by our physician is to attempt IVF. IVF is very expensive and without fertility coverage the last 5 years have drained us. It’s hard to sit idly by knowing that every month that passes while we save for IVF, could be bring us closer to a sad end of our journey.

The Wallaces – We have been trying to conceive for 5 years. In our years of trying to conceive we have seen 4 fertility specialists and undergone numerous tests. Every Doctor gives us different diagnoses which can be frustrating when trying to identify a plan. Through the various doctors it was determined that Amanda does not ovulate regularly, at one point had a blocked fallopian tube and other recently diagnosed medical conditions that make it difficult to conceive. After testing, Amanda was placed on Metformin and did rounds of Letrozole, which did assist with ovulation but left us with negative pregnancy tests. One doctor recommended IUI treatment. With all the medications, lab and procedure cost it was just not a financial option at the time. We’re hoping that with savings and some help from fundraising that we will be able to proceed with the treatment and achieve our dream of having our own little miracle.

The Truth Behind Combat Related Infertility

Posted on June 2, 2016 by admin

As we celebrate #MensHealthMonth, we share a story from Crystal who describes the day her family’s life changed forever. Her fiance, Tyler, was injured while serving with the US Army’s 173rd Airborne Brigade. She shares their inspiring story on how they have fought not just for better Veteran’s care but have fought for their own family.

We salute Tyler and Crystal who remind us that infertility does not discriminate. It can impact anyone – men, women, veteran or civilian.

***

Tyler, pictured outside of the National Mall in Washington, D.C.

May 3, 2005 was a day that changed our lives forever. Tyler was serving with the US Army’s 173rd Airborne Brigade when his Company was called into the Arghandab River Valley to rescue their Battalion Scouts. After arriving in the valley, the Company’s Weapons Squad, where Tyler was serving as an Assistant Gunner, headed to a high point to provide support by fire. While on the hillside Tyler’s squad came under fire and within minutes Tyler was shot four times. The first bullet lodged in his spinal canal, which left him instantly paralyzed from the waist down and unable to move out of the line of fire. Tyler’s Squad Leader, SSG Matt Blaskowski and SPC Clover recognized the danger Tyler was in and despite continuous fire ran to Tyler’s aid to pull him to safety. Tyler was already paralyzed, but the second bullet was what threatened his life as it ripped through his left lung and lodged in his liver. Tyler was left fighting for his life, and without the intervention of others and a will to live he would not have survived.

Little did either of us know May 3, 2005 would set our paths to cross and ultimately lead to another big fight. Tyler and I met in 2013 when he decided it was time to move past his paralysis and return to the things he loved, sports and outdoor recreation. This is where I came in; I worked in adaptive sports for Veterans and together Tyler and I were able to rekindle his love for all that Colorado has to offer and ultimately fall in love with each other!

Shortly after Tyler and I started dating we began discussing a family and how that would be possible with his injury. This is where the biggest fight we have ever faced together began. Due to Tyler’s paralysis we quickly discovered that IVF was our only option to have a biological child of our own. Soon after, we discovered that due to a 1992 “ban” Congress put on the VA there was no coverage for this medical procedure. We were heart broken, devastated, disappointed, the list goes on, after discovering that Tyler’s wounds received in combat would present a $40,000 barrier to us fulfilling our dream of having a baby of our own and Tyler’s last step to fully reintegrating into civilian society.

Neither Tyler nor I were ready or willing to give up on this dream. He fought with everything he was to survive after May 3rd, despite all odds we found each other, were building a life together, and as a stronger team we would fight for this together. There have been so many “bad” days where anger and disappointment feel as they are taking us over in the journey to have a family, and at times complete disgust that our country, a country that you can’t walk down the street without seeing a yellow ribbon, “God Bless our Troops” sticker, or hearing “thank you for your service,” could let this man down so completely. To cope with the spinal cord injury is difficult enough, to fight for your life is enough to ask of Tyler and every other Service Member in his situation, to ask them to give up on the opportunity to pursue a family simply because politics gets in the way is absolutely unacceptable.

I have seen this man struggle through enough already; to get through life as a paraplegic is not an easy task, but he has NEVER ONCE complained about anything or regretted his service to our country until this. To ask him to give up on something he has wanted his whole life, to be called “Dad” simply because he answered the call to Duty, served honorably, and happened to be wounded in a way that prevents him from being able to pursue this dream without medical intervention is this country, this Congress, truly turning their backs on those men and women who have given so much of themselves already.

These reasons are why Tyler and I have chosen to not only find any way possible to pursue this medical treatment on our own, but to also stand against this gap in coverage and fight to both bring awareness to the issue and change policy to ensure this never happens again. The bad days are no longer consumed with anger and no where to place it, disgust and no way to overcome it, but instead we have taken this opportunity to advocate on behalf of Tyler and every other Veteran in his seat, to stand in front of Congress and give them a face to remember when they vote on the proposed legislation that would reverse this “ban.” It has become our mission to ensure Congress no longer vote on statistics related to this issue, but instead vote on faces, on families, on those men and women who they sent to war with a promise to provide health care to those who came back wounded, ill, or injured.

Tyler and Crystal training for the Ride the Rockies tour.

Tyler has done an amazing job at living life from a wheelchair, we have built an amazing life together full of support and a promising future, but this wheelchair, this bullet in his back, that should not be an excuse for Congress to deny him or anyone else in his position what Congress cherishes most themselves. When we were in DC at Advocacy Day 2016, there was a majority of Congressmen and Congresswomen that had family pictures strewn throughout their offices. This became our platform and will continue to be our motivation for change. We have a wall full of medals Tyler earned in combat, we have a wall full of pictures with us and our dogs, but what we are missing is what Congress already has, what war did not take away from them, we are missing Baby Wilson’s birthday.

If you would like to follow-along with our journey to Baby Wilson, IVF Advocacy for Veterans, please see our blog at http://www.pushmeeveryday.com

News Roundup – April 15

Posted on April 15, 2016 by admin

A few stories that caught our eye this week.

-Elizabeth

VETERANS: Murray Amendment to Cover Reproductive Services for Injured Veterans Passes Key Committee

“This amendment is about fulfilling our promise to the military families who we ask to sacrifice and serve our country on our behalf,” Senator Murray said. “I’m so proud to see Democrats and Republicans working together to move this forward, but I know this is just the first hurdle. I will be fighting to see this through to the end so this country can keep up its commitment to care for our veterans and their spouses who dream of having a family.”

More babies, fewer multiple births, are resulting from assisted reproduction

Los Angeles Times

Melissa Healy

“In 2014, between 22% and 31% of women undergoing infertility treatment were electing to have just a single embryo transferred, with women under 35 choosing that option at higher rates than women over 40. That rate of “elective single-embryo transfers,” however, remains much lower than physician groups have called for.”

Assisted reproduction is on the rise in the United States, resulting in the birth of 65,175 babies in 2014, says a new report. (Ken Hively / Los Angeles Times)

Infertility issues take financial, emotional toll

The Tennessean

Hollie Deese

“We’re trying to find out about exactly how much all of this is going to cost,” she says. “I’m still paying on treatments that I did in 2010 with my ex-husband. We had to take out a loan for our treatment we did in November, and we’ll be paying on it for two years. We don’t want to put ourselves in a horrible financial situation.

“There are so many times that you just want to give up and say, ‘I’m done.’ Then, you think of the big picture, that you really want to be a parent, and you’ll do whatever it takes.”

Jessica Ray at her home in Gallatin. The 31-year-old Gallatin photographer still hopes to become a mom one day despite her infertility issues.
(Photo: George Walker IV / The Tennessean)

Art through the Infertility Poetry of Michelle Baranowski

Posted on April 13, 2016 by admin

There are many different forms of artwork that brings people comfort. While some enjoy painting or music, many enjoy poetry instead. Michelle Baranowski is one of those people who find comfort through writing poetry. Poetry is yet another way for people to vent out their frustrations and let the world know how they really feel in a creative way. It is a way to express the pain and sorrow that one is feeling and give people the chance to read and relate to it in a completely personal way. In her poem “The Middle Place”, she explains what it is like to be stuck in between utter happiness and devastating sorrow.

While other kids were saying they wanted to be an astronaut or a princess, Michelle always wanted to be a mom. She could have never guessed at that age that she would not be able to accomplish her lifelong dream of conceiving a child. As she grew up, her childhood innocence was shattered and she realized that it was never going to be as easy as she thought it would be.

When Michelle was a young adult she came out as a lesbian so she knew that there was going to be a less “organic” way for her to conceive. She just knew she was going to have to go about becoming a mother in a different way. Still, she believed that it would happen and couldn’t foresee the struggles that she was going to face in the future to accomplish her lifelong dream.

She is now 30 years old and, after years of trying, she has still not had the ability to get pregnant. It has been a long journey of pain and sorrow, as well as constantly getting her hopes up only to have them smashed by each negative result. She feels as if she is just coexisting in the middle place between pure joy and devastating pain, which is something that many people dealing with infertility can relate too. She decided to share her poem with others so that they can catch a glimpse of what she is feeling as she continues on this journey to having a child.

You can listen to Michelle read her poem, or read it yourself, below.

– Danielle

Michelle, right, with her wife Mandy on their wedding day.

The Middle Place

by Michelle Baranowski

I often talk about the middle place.

The waiting space.

It’s where I find myself most.

Weighted down by time, suffocated by hope.

Not moving forward, not falling behind.

Just walking in circles.

Convincing others “I’m fine”

Incarcerated by a love that burns through the skin and seeps out through weepy eyes.

Anchored by a financial hole I’ve fed, pleading the promised success isn’t a lie.

Like trying to fly a kite, teeming with bricks.

Like a bird, dreaming to fly, with it’s beautiful wings clipped.

Like trying to breathe underwater.

Only to learn you’ll survive.

drowning on the inside, yet seemingly alive.

When the house seems too big

but the accounts are too small

when we learn about families growing

with an anxious, happy call.

Like a bullet to the chest, but with my smile on tight.

My soul defeats and decides whether to fight or to flight.

Sometimes I can get out “I’m so happy for you”

And other times, a nod and a smile is all I am able to do.

The weight of sadness and worry follow me all of the time.

Fretting over savings accounts, credit cards and counting each dime.

Not knowing if our efforts will take flight or be in vain.

Its enough to make even the soundest person insane.

I wish that I was brave.

I wish it was easy to decide

Weather to move on from all of this

Pushing lifelong dreams aside.

I wish I knew for certain that one day I would hold in you in my arms and not just my heart.

It would make the fight all worth it.

Knowing we would never be apart.

So the middle place is where we continue to be.

Waiting, and saving in painful hope.

Waiting for you to set us free.

Water, the President, and Infertility

Posted on January 21, 2016 by admin

You’ve probably heard of the water crisis in Flint, MI. In case you haven’t, here’s the gist of it. While the city of Flint was under emergency management by order of Governor Rick Snyder in 2014, a decision was made to discontinue sourcing the city’s water from the city of Detroit.

As a cost saving measure, Flint’s water supply would instead come from the Flint River. The river water was so corrosive that it broke down the city’s lead pipes, leaching toxic levels into the Flint residents’ water. Lead poisoning in children can cause developmental delays, vomiting, hearing loss, and more. In adults, it can cause memory loss, high blood pressure, reduced sperm count, miscarriage, the list goes on. In addition to lead poisoning, an outbreak of Legionnaire’s Disease, which is possibly the result of the contaminated water supply, has killed 10 people. This is all completely horrific.

In October, Flint’s water supply was switched back and is once again sourced from Detroit. However, the damage to the pipes has been done and the water is still unsafe. It wasn’t until January 5th though, that Governor Snyder declared a State of Emergency and on January 16th, President Obama declared the situation in Flint a federal state of emergency. Obama was visiting Detroit yesterday and spoke about this disaster.

Nearly seven years into my experience with infertility, it’s rare that I have those moments that anyone with an infertility diagnosis knows well. They come out of nowhere. The hit by a truck, breath knocked out of you, heart breaking into a hundred pieces moments when someone asks you if you have children, you see a young child reach for his father’s hand, or a pregnant woman lovingly rubs her belly. I’ve come a long way in dealing with the emotions that come along with this disease. However, listening to coverage of President Obama’s speech on my local NPR station, Michigan Radio, while sitting in traffic during my commute last night, I nearly burst into tears. The reporter quoted the president and then followed up with audio from his speech, reflecting on the crisis in Flint.

“I’m very proud of what I’ve done as president, but the only job that’s more important to me is the job of father. And, I know that if I was a parent up there, I would be beside myself that my kids’ health could be at risk. That’s why over the weekend, I declared a federal emergency in Flint to send more resources on top of the assistance that we’ve already put on the ground.”

Obama went on to say that he’s designated a federal coordinator to make sure the people in Flint get what they need from their country, that he’s met with Flint’s Mayor, Karen Weaver, and told her that he’s going to have her back, and all of the people of Flint’s back, as they work their way through this terrible tragedy.

My heart broke when I heard those words. My heart is racing now, after listening to Obama’s speech again to transcribe his sentiments. The President says he’s proudest of his role as a parent, a role that millions of Americans long for, yet are unable to achieve, because they have the disease of infertility. The federal government has the city of Flint’s back, as it absolutely should, yet there is no federal mandate for health coverage for the diagnosis or treatment of infertility.

Most Americans don’t have infertility coverage and many have to pay completely out of pocket for their health expenses due to this disease, a disease that is recognized by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) as a public health concern. The federal government doesn’t even have the backs of veterans who are infertile as a direct result of injuries sustained in the line of duty. There is currently a Veterans Administration ban on coverage for in vitro fertilization, a procedure that could bring the dream of parenthood to thousands of veterans of war who can’t become mothers and fathers without it. Parenthood. The role which their commander in chief values above all.

The people of Flint are worried about their health, scared of what their futures might hold, or might not hold, as a result of the public health crisis of contaminated drinking water. People are outraged so they’re raising their voices and they’re being heard.

This is why I raise awareness through infertility art exhibits, art and writing workshops, and conference presentations with ART of Infertility. This is why I lobby on Capitol Hill each year on Advocacy Day for legislation that, if put into effect, will help those with the disease of infertility build their families through treatment or adoption.

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Maria and me on Advocacy Day 2015.

My infertility diagnosis affects my health and well being and alters the possibilities for my future. It makes me outraged that my loved ones and I don’t have access to the care we need to treat our disease. So, I write my members of congress, meet with them on Capitol Hill, align myself with members of the infertility community so we can support each other. I shed light on the trials of infertility through portraits and interviews of those dealing with the disease and curate exhibits of artwork created by them so the public, our insurers, and legislators can better understand why it’s important that we gain the health coverage we need.

Like the president, I’m proud of the work I have done. However, my job won’t be finished until every person who wants to be a mother, or wants to be a father, has access to the resources they need to achieve their dream.

-Elizabeth

Advocacy Day is on May 11 this year. Please join me in Washington, D.C! Click here for more info.

Art Journaling to Cope with Infertility

Posted on May 14, 2015 by admin

I was very fortunate to wake up this morning in our nation’s capitol, where I will be advocating for legislation to help those with infertility. Sara Elliot, our guest blogger this week, was hoping to make the trip this year and was unable, but wanted to share her story with us via the ART of IF blog. Thank you, Sara for sharing your story with us!

Elizabeth

Art Journaling to Cope with Infertility

Many in the infertility community will be making their way to DC this week for Resolve’s Advocacy Day on Capitol Hill.

I can’t be there to advocate this year in person, but I still I wanted to help raise awareness about the 1 out of 8 couples who month-after-month, year-after-year are trying to build their family by any route available to them.

Let’s start with this. I never thought that I’d be a person who would “do” IVF. It’s taken a long time to come to terms with the loss of control over my body and my reproduction. With a diagnosis of PCOS and subclinical hypothyroidism, I am now both infertile – meaning we tried to get pregnant for over a year without assistance – and have experienced recurrent pregnancy loss. The combination is so difficult.

Around the time I first went to on OB/GYN to get testing, I found out that it took my grandparents 7 years to conceive my mother, so there is likely a genetic component to what I am going through. I remember my grandma saying, “Our children came along later” but I didn’t understand infertility might be the cause until I was faced with it myself.

For reasons we’re still trying to figure out with our doctor, we’ve conceived four times through assisted reproductive technology – 2 IUIS and 2 IVF cycles – and lost all 4 pregnancies. One was ectopic. One had a heartbeat we got to hear twice.

While going through this recent IVF cycle and loss, I turned to art journaling to process the emotions of this heart wrenching experience. I made a point to draw just a little bit every day, even if all I could muster was a few words in black pen. I’d often fill in the color on better days.

The art journal is a record of what kept me going, including song lyrics and reminders to take care of myself.

At the start of the New Year, I pick a new word to focus on. This year the word I chose was “Become.” This song by Iron & Wine got stuck in my head for weeks, so “Become the rising sun” has become a phrase I focus on a lot.

When we got an unexpected positive pregnancy test in February, I tried to remember to be happy in the moment. I was very anxious, given our history of loss. During this cycle, I saw the trailer for the documentary One More Shot by Noah Moskin and Maya Grobel Moskin. When Maya said, “In this moment, I am happy” I sobbed realizing how hard and necessary it is to grab a moment of happiness amidst all the bad news.

Fear of loss is a very typical response for women who have been through so much to get pregnant. Many infertile women talk quietly about the post-traumatic stress they experience. In the end, the only choice is to surrender, continue to persevere, and to figure out how to rebuild a life that includes more than just a few moments of happiness.

***

In 2010, my husband and I moved back to our home state of Michigan to be near family as we tried to have children. As the years of trying to conceive and maintain a pregnancy unfolded, an added heartbreak was that if we’d stayed in Massachusetts, our IVF health care costs would have been covered by insurance because state law in Massachusetts mandates coverage for IVF. Michigan law does not. Federal law does not. Money that we’d intended for a retirement account or a child’s college fund was instead spent on medical bills that were uncovered by our health insurance.

And let’s be clear – female and male sterilization is covered by our insurance plan, yet the most effective treatment for infertility, IVF, is not covered. As far as I can tell, the only logic for this policy is cost savings for the insurance companies. No working reproductive systems means no babies which means no hospital births and no well-baby visits to pay for on family insurance plans.

Despite all of our bad luck, we are lucky that we have some savings to spend on our health care needs. Many couples do not. And frankly, no one should have to spend five figures out of pocket to treat a diagnosed medical condition.

Only laws can change this situation.

Thank you to the women and men who are in DC advocating on our behalf this week.

Project Poetry – A visit with Tamsin

Posted on April 21, 2015 by admin

Back in December, I had the opportunity to spend some time with Tamsin in her home in Marin County, CA. The road to her house was a winding drive lined with moss covered trees. It had rained earlier and when I stepped out of my car to unload my camera equipment, I was overwhelmed with the warmth and humidity, the smell of the earth and the trees. It was a nice change from the bitter cold I had come from in Michigan.

Tamsin has been using poetry and photography to deal with some of the emotions surrounding her infertility and read a few of her poems for me. By the time she had finished the third, we were both overcome with emotion and the tissues had to be passed around. You can listen to the first poem she shared with me below, it’s titled, “Just Shut Up”.

Here’s some more of Tamsin’s story with portraits of her from our time together.

Elizabeth

Tamsin

“I got pregnant on the honeymoon. So, right from as soon as the baby thing could possible have started it started. I’ve had two tubal pregnancies. It just makes what should be a really personal joyous time into something that’s more about doctors and scientists and labs and money and worry and so it’s not really as romantic a start to marriage as it could have been.”

“We don’t have insurance coverage for infertility. It’s added stress and guilt that my body is costing us so much money. We moved here with my husband’s work and I’m trying to get licensure as a marriage and family therapist so I’m doing unpaid hours at the moment. That’s a strain because we only have one income. That makes me feel bad that I’m 38 and not earning money. Then, on top of that, it’s my body that has the issues so that’s tens of thousands of dollars that we’re paying out. It just seems like my fault because my husband is working and his body is working as it should be. I feel like I take a lot of it on myself really.”

“This year I had a lot of time off work so I got my website up and running and did some photography and some poetry and just kind of surprised myself with all of the creativity that was coming out. My therapist kind of likened it to birthing my artistic self. It’s been quite a big thing. It’s been really helpful, I think. Even more so with the poetry. I’ve been writing not just about the infertility but stuff that’s happened in my life and my childhood and friends and I think it’s just brought up so much emotion that’s been cleared out that I didn’t even realize was there to be cleansed so that was really good.”

“We plan our lives so carefully but you can’t plan for this.”

ART of IF

The official blog of the traveling art exhibit and oral history project, ART of Infertility.

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