This is a guest blog post written by Kristy Koser who is a Licensed Professional (Clinical) Counselor. After trying nine rounds of IVF with no luck, Kristy decided to channel her frustrations into Trying to Conceive Greeting Cards in order to help herself, and others, find the right words to say. You can follow Kristy on Instagram at @ttcgreetingcards or find her work on Etsy.
As with most things in life, we have an expectation of what’s to come, at least an idea of where we imagine our life to be. I accomplished most of my personal and career goals by my late 20s, with two degrees, a thriving private practice as a couples therapist, several publications, a house, two cats, all while being married to my best friend. When it came time to think about children, I assumed starting a family would be within reach just like all the other challenging, but doable things I tackled in the years past. Much to my surprise, having children or should I say “making” children was and is much harder than we ever dreamed of. After nine rounds of IVF (and loads of medicated and IUI cycles before that), we are still in the midst of wondering what’s next, and will this ever work? We wonder if we are legitimately going insane for continuing to embark in yet another IVF round? Could this be it? Will this be it? The conundrum with IVF is that often there is always some lingering, hope, maybe it’s possibility or curiosity, whatever you want to call it, at the end of each failed round–tempting you and your doctors to tweak something and try again. Maybe now, we finally have the magic mix of suppression, estrogen, uterine receptivity and progesterone that will miraculous allow that embryo to implant. The key word here is “maybe,” a five letter word that holds all the hope and optimism. It propels you into thinking just one more injection, pill, retrieval, patch, or transfer will be it. I think we all need those “maybes” in life, it keeps us motivated, curious about what’s to come. Somehow the “maybe” brings forth hope that would otherwise get lost in the fear and the unknown.
I’ve spent years of life in the “maybes” in the hope that something new will finally emerge. I’ve fought off doubt, grief, jealously, and fear of the unknown, hoping that somewhere underneath it all I’ll find that “something” to renew my heart to try again. Infertility challenges you to face feelings on so many levels it’s often to hard to process them from day to day and depending what medication you’re on, really it’s more like hour to hour. I’ve been swallowed up in emotion and have felt paralyzed at times, not knowing how to feel or even wanting to reach out. I knew living in the black hole of infertility was not going to cure my sadness or anger, it was instead going to propel me farther from the things that really matter.
So, after sitting with all that uncertainty for years on end I decided to do something with it. I often heard friends and family say “I just don’t have the right words” or “I wish I knew what to say” as we would announce another failed cycle or another early pregnancy loss. This led me to create TTC (trying to conceive) Greeting Cards, which specifically supports those struggling through infertility. They highlight the unique struggles, medical procedures, and feelings that are often associated with infertility. They are meant to provide encouragement, hope, and comfort–just the right words for people who don’t know what to say. Creating these cards was also a way for me to process my grief from the last three years. Knowing these cards were going to be filled with love and encouragement, arriving to someone’s mailbox on one of those dark-doubt-filled days, made me feel less alone in this battle. I felt like I was doing something with all this pain and heartache. I also loved the idea of encouraging and supporting other couples going through this. It’s easy at the beginning to think you can manage infertility quietly or without help, but what soon becomes apparent is the need for others along the way. On social media (Instagram) I often share tips that I’ve learned over the last nine IVF rounds to staying positive, focused and organized through this process. I’ve even created a “cycle calendar” that people can print off at home to help organize medication, appointments, lab results, and other procedures that can often feel overwhelming. Mapping it all out and if you are really ambitious even color coding it can help to ease the panic when trying to remember numerous medications in one day. I’ve often found keeping each calendar in a special folder is helpful to compare your medication and lab results from one cycle to the next. For example, you are able to anticipate how quickly your estrogen may rise or how slowly a follicle may grow. This can help you feel more in control and be a good reminder to wait patiently on your body to show you what it’s capable to doing.
Just one of the many “trying to conceive” cards that Kristy has created.
Over the last six months I’ve created cards that highlight things like egg retrieval and the excitement of embryo transfers. I’ve also created a line of thank-you cards for the nurses, doctors and embryologists who have provided such exceptional care during your most delicate moments. These have been quite a hit with doctors and embryologists around the country.
Kristy’s card apologizing for the whirlwind of hormones while trying to conceive.
I’ve most recently created a line of cards for couples to intentionally stay connected during the struggles of infertility. So often one partner feels at fault for the failed treatment or worse a partner can feel left out of the process. As I experienced both of those at times in my own marriage, I was reminded how important it is for all couples to stay in conversation along the way. As a couples therapist, I’m always looking out for ways couples can improve their relational bond and infertility has an immense power to create very wounding trauma that can impact fertility treatment, our body’s ability to cope with the various medical procedures, and our overall emotional health. It’s usually our partner who sees us day-in and day-out, going to our appointments, injecting mass amounts of hormones, sticking things up all kinds of places, and is left with whatever capacity we have left to be a good partner (which is usually very limited, sharp, sarcastic, or constantly hungry).
A card created by Kristy that helps couples to stay connected through the struggle of infertility.
Next week I’ll be launching a “lucky” socks collection that has been highly suggested by customers. I’ll be introducing various designs to keep your feet nice and cozy during the often cold and sometimes sterile appointments, egg retrievals, embryo transfers, and of course the dreaded two week wait. I love knowing women can look down at their feet and be reminded “I can do this” or feel empowered to stay focused and positive when the doubt creeps in. Also in the shop are “lucky” tees that women can wear at any point in the infertility process to feel supported and motivated to make each day, appointment, medication, and dollar, matter.
My hope in creating these cards and gifts is to help couples, families, and friends start to speak about the pain of infertility and in turn feel empowered to comfort and support their loved ones–with just the right words. So, if you are needing the right words to say to a friend or family member–or if you are needing a little encouragement yourself, consider sending some love through the mailbox. I mean, who doesn’t love snail mail?
A big hug to all those trying to conceive today, tomorrow, and in the years to come. You are not forgotten, friend. You can do hard things.
Kristy Koser, is a Licensed Professional (Clinical) Counselor in Virginia and Ohio and a Emotional Focused Couples Therapist and Supervisor. She specializes in couples therapy, family business consulting, and attachment related dynamics. Outside of her professional life, she’s a sucker for Netflix, flash mobs, and a good piece of cheese. You can reach Kristy for speaking, media or press inquiries at ttcgreetingcards@gmail.com.