Tag Archives: emotional trauma of infertility

Taking a Time Out to Grieve During the Holidays – Perspectives from Elizabeth

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Thanksgiving, 2009 was the last holiday before my world came crashing down. The illness and death of my sister-in-law, the relocation of three of my nieces who my husband and I had been caring for in my home, our infertility diagnosis.

I’ve been weepy the past few days. Okay, more than weepy. I’ve indulged in an ugly cry a few times. There isn’t anything current that is contributing to this. It’s like my body remembers that we’re entering the season of traumas past and is working through emotions that are rarely as close to the surface as they once were, but must need some attention.

In the months following that holiday season that everything went wrong, it wasn’t hard to grieve. It was something I did constantly, both intentionally and unintentionally. I had a play list of songs, that I’d deemed “sad” that I listened to every day on my commute to and from work. I attended therapy sessions and grief support group meetings, I told everyone who’d listen what I’d been through. I journaled. However, as time has passed, and I’ve adjusted to life without my sister-in-law, without the girls, WITH infertility, I don’t often take time out to acknowledge what I’ve been through and grieve it. Years of unsuccessful infertility treatments, the miscarriage of my twins, the strain that infertility has put on my relationships.

That last Thanksgiving, I saved the wish bone from the turkey and put it in a dish on the shelf above the sink in my kitchen. It’s been there since. There have been a few times I’ve reached inside to make sure it was still there. Traced my finger along its curves. I’ve even taken it out a time or two. It was only recently that my husband knew it was there and that I started thinking that it’s time for the wish bone to move on.

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So, I spent some time, intentionally grieving the primary and secondary losses of infertility while creating this piece. Doing so was painful, messy. I had to face emotions that aren’t pleasant and sit with them for a while. It’s a remembrance of the lives that were, a prayer for wishes long desired to come to fruition, and an acknowledgement of not just the fragility of it all, but the strength that we find in community.

While there are many things about this season that are difficult, I’m thankful for those I have in my corner, both at home and around the world, because of this infertility journey I’ve been on. I send you wishes for peace as you enter this difficult season.

Myth: Infertility only Results in Physical, not Emotional, Trauma

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by Danielle Bucco

Many people who have not gone through infertility in some form find it hard to think about the effects and implications it can have on a person or couple, both physically and emotionally. In 2007 the National Survey of Fertility Borders indicated that more than 30% of women experience fertility problems and the number is only increasing. With this large number of people dealing with these issues, it is important to understand all the many different ways that fertility problems can affect a person.

When people who have not gone through infertility think about it, most automatically just think of the physical struggles that a person has to deal with. They think about the treatment process and what could be wrong, instead of thinking of the emotional implications that it has on the people who have received an infertility diagnosis. It has been discussed that pregnancy loss can be suitably thought of as a traumatic stressor. When each form of fertility treatment fails it is often experienced profoundly as the literal death of a child. The pain that is experienced is something that people without infertility, find hard to imagine. Couples have such high hopes each time they go through treatment, only to have their hopes completely crushed by a doctor telling them that it hasn’t worked.

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One of the first studies of considering infertility a trauma by Engelhard in 2001 stated that infertility could lead to forms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). A traumatic event is defined as experiencing, witnessing, or learning about the actual or threatened death/injury of themselves or others. This is definitely something that people dealing with infertility have to go through, some even multiple times. Several of these stress issues fade over time but there are more issues than just the stress factor. Anxiety and depression also play a part in the emotional distress of an individual going through infertility and again, many people do not take that into consideration if they have not experienced it themselves.

This myth, that infertility only affects a person physically, is something that people need to understand is not true. When a person deals with infertility it is something that can lead to so many emotional issues as well. Suffering loss after loss, is emotionally draining and many people suffer from anxiety, depression, PTSD, and so much more because of it. The sooner people begin to understand this, the better they are going to be able to help their loved ones through this hard time and give them the support that they need. Everyone experiences loss differently, which means it can sometimes be hard to figure out exactly what that person needs. The most important thing is that they know they have support and are allowed time to grieve in their own way and on their own timeline.