Share Your Story with the ART of Infertility in Washington D.C.

Posted on May 3, 2016 by admin

In exactly one week, we will be in the Washington, D.C. area for RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association’s Advocacy Day. For those in the area or those who are traveling to D.C. for Advocacy Day, we invite you to consider participating in the ART of Infertility project. This project will be traveling around the U.S. this year sharing your inspirational infertility stories at a variety of venues and events — some directly related to the topic of infertility and some interested in storytelling from a broader vantage.

Renee, Annie, Elizabeth, Maria, and Jo at the wrap up reception during Advocacy Day in May 2015.

These interviews in D.C. will be brief — 30 minutes at the most. And we invite you to bring an object that helps you talk about a part of your story. In the past, these objects have ranged from a tattoo, to a quilt to even a poem. We invite all objects and all stories. You can read and hear snapshots of interviews from last year’s event, here.

If you are interested and would like to participate, we ask that you fill out this brief Google form. We look forward to meeting new and old faces in D.C.!

#startasking: How Infertility Prepared Me to Be a Mom – Camille’s Perspective

Posted on April 28, 2016 by admin

Camille Hawkins, MSW, LCSW is the Executive Director of Utah Infertility Resource Center. She reflects on her experience with infertility and shares 5 ways her infertility struggle taught her to be a great mom to her daughters. This post does contain images of babies and parenting. Thank you for sharing your insights, Camille!

I was recently part of a discussion in a “Pregnancy & Parenting after Infertility” Support group. The question was posed: Would you change the fact that you struggled with infertility?

How would life be different if I didn’t struggle with infertility? Even though this was the most difficult experience of my entire life, would I change it? It brought more heart ache, more tears, took more energy, and also more money than any other trial I’ve faced.

The consensus as each group member deeply reflected on this question was a resounding no. If you would have asked each of them in the heat of the struggle, the answer would have been different. But the common theme was that they had gained so much from their infertility journey, and there were still some very difficult parts about it, but they wouldn’t trade it.

Camille pictured with her infant daughter.

My husband and I met at Utah State University in 2007. Once married, we waited a year to start trying to have a baby. We quickly learned it wouldn’t come easy. After 5 years of tracking monthly cycles, timed intercourse, surgery, fertility medications, injections, intra-uterine inseminations, in vitro fertilizations, a miscarriage, and being completely broken down emotionally, we became parents to two beautiful girls through the miracle of adoption. Becoming a mom was the best day of my entire life. I will never forget that feeling.

Even though my life is now consumed of changing diapers, making bottles, and rocking crying babies during the night, my infertility will always be a part of me. My diagnosis makes it so I will always be infertile. The wound of infertility may be healed in my heart, but the scar will always be there as a reminder of all I went through to get my girls. This journey has shaped my life more than anything else has. It helped me be the best mom I could be.

Here are 5 ways my infertility struggles taught me to be a great mom to my daughters.

Peace – coming to accept my situation was difficult and took a lot of time and energy. I had to grieve every time I had a failed cycle, a failed treatment, grieve the death of my embryos, and the loss of my only pregnancy. I had to grieve having a biological child –the one I always dreamed of looking just like my darling husband. As a woman, I had to grieve not being able to experience pregnancy, child birth, breast feeding, and the things I was raised to most closely associate with womanhood. Through this process, frustration and resentment for my imperfect body eventually turned to peace and acceptance. I learned that things aren’t going to be perfect in life, but I can still be okay. I will teach my daughters their bodies are unique and special, and don’t have to be perfect in order to be beautiful. I will help them find peace and acceptance with the situations they find themselves in so they can look for the happiness and joy that surrounds them.

Balance – I grew up in a culture that taught my most important and divine role would be that of a mother. Everything should revolve around that role, even my education, my career choices, everything. When I realized I was unable to conform to that norm, I was forced to either sit around and do nothing while the time passed, or do something productive with my time. I decided to get a master’s degree in social work and begin a career in counseling. I worked at a nonprofit community mental health center helping children heal from trauma. I volunteered with an organization running kids grief groups. I fell in love with my husband over and over again, traveled the world, and I became a dog mom, enjoying the beautiful outdoors hiking with my two retrievers. Infertility tends to consume you completely, like a black hole. The lows were the lowest I could ever imagine. Learning to keep balance in my life was crucial to surviving the black hole of infertility, and I’m learning that balance as a mom is crucial to being the best mom I can be to my daughters. I would like my daughters to have balance in their lives too, and to know it’s okay to be lots of things, do to lots of things, and most importantly to take care of themselves.

Patience – Infertility makes you wait…….and wait……..and wait some more. It makes you cry night after night, feeling hopeless and that all is lost. False hope is sometimes the only thing you have left. I learned that things don’t work out necessarily in the way I expect, but it’s possible for them to work out in some way. My mom told me I was a very impatient child. I wanted things NOW! Patience is something I was forced into learning through my infertility journey. Now as a mother, patience is my saving grace. Motherhood is not easy; I never said it was going to be. Having patience shoved down my throat during infertility has allowed me to see things in motherhood through a different lens. I can make it through my baby’s crying spell. I can make it through my daughter refusing to sleep throughout the night. I can make it through two babies crying at once……Infertility helped me learn the patience for these moments.

Appreciation – When you yearn for a child, you yearn for the good and the bad. Being a mother isn’t easy, but I realize I appreciate all the moments so much more than I would have because I worked so hard to get there. My girls will grow up knowing how much they were wanted, how much they were sought for, and how special they are. I know I am so lucky, so blessed, and so fortunate to be “Mamma” to my sweet baby girls. I have so much gratitude for their birth families for entrusting us to raise these little girls.
Camille with her two girls and husband.

Determination –I have met many women who struggle with infertility and I have found that these are some of the strongest women in the world. My husband and I experienced failure month after month, year after year, and still we pressed on. We did this because family is so important to us and we would not stop until we became parents. I learned I can do hard things, and my daughters will learn they can do hard things too. When I face failure and frustrations in motherhood, I remind myself of the obstacles I have overcome and rely on that strength to get me through hard times.

The journey of infertility is treacherous. No one deserves the pain that comes from an inability to get or remain pregnant when that is their deepest desire. The wound of infertility often runs deep. But there is hope. There is a lot we can learn. And we can have tremendous growth which can prepare us to be great parents when that glorious day finally comes.

#startasking What about men and infertility?

Posted on April 25, 2016 by admin

Infertility is often looked at as a disease that only affects women. In reality, infertility is caused by female factor and male factor equally at 30% each. In the balance of cases, the infertility is the result of both partners or unexplained. Even when the disease is not a direct result of issues with a male partner, infertility has a huge impact on men. Unfortunately, men’s stories are not heard as frequently.

ART of Infertility is interested in telling diverse stories of infertility, and is always honored to share the stories of men. We’re very excited to have been invited by Dr. Paul Turek of The Turek Clinic in Beverly Hills and San Francisco, to hold a pop-up art exhibit in his clinic in San Francisco on Thursday June 16th from 7 – 9 pm, in honor of Men’s Health Week. We’ll be sharing the artwork and stories of men and their families along with food and art making stations. If you’re in the area, we hope you’ll attend. In the meantime, you can learn more about male fertility and infertility from Dr. Turek here and read and listen to the personal story of Bret, an ART of IF participant in Southern California, and his family below. Bret reflects on the experience of miscarriage and trying to decide whether to continue or end treatment. This post does contain images of children and parenting.

– Elizabeth

Bret with his son Cole, who was conceived via Inter-uterine insemination, or IUI.

“I knew the moment the doctor came in to do the ultrasound. I saw his actions and he didn’t even have to say anything. I’ve done enough ultrasounds with him before and I kind of knew how they went and he was triple checking everything and I knew, this was not good. She didn’t want to accept it the first time and it was difficult. I kind of knew the writing was on the wall. Maybe we also approached her second pregnancy in a different way. I didn’t want to tell anybody until the end of the process. She was just so happy being pregnant and I tried to advise her, this is nobody’s business but ours. It was tough because I had that in my mind that it wasn’t going well and she was so ecstatic being pregnant. We were in two very different places at the same time. I just tried to do what I could. There was also a lot of work stuff going on at the same time so I wasn’t here for the 3 weeks when this all happened. I was at work almost he whole time so it was not a good time, at all, for anyone.”

“The only thing I can do is support her. Be there for her, a shoulder to cry on. She needs to get these emotions out so that’s what I try to do. I’m not very good at it but I try.”

“I guess I don’t have a support, I guess I don’t. I don’t really talk to anybody about it. I have my ways that I guess I try to let things out and deal with it but I don’t talk to anybody. I like to go out in the wilderness and I usually go with a group of friends and we go backpacking or go walk up a mountain or something cool and well, last July we had our family vacation. We did a little anniversary thing and got away and we came home and I just said, I’m leaving. I’m going. I just went and walked out in the mountains by myself for about 4 days. This was about 6 weeks after the miscarriage. It helped. It wasn’t the cure I was looking for but it was helpful and that’s it and then it was back to work and back to the grind and I really haven’t dealt with it, I just try to put it behind me.”

Bret, Erica, and Cole at their home in Southern California.

Click on the clip below to hear audio of Bret and his wife, Erica, discussing whether to continue or end treatment.

Myth: You’re Alone in Your Infertility Journey

Posted on April 18, 2016 by admin

When I was first diagnosed with infertility, I felt like I was living on my own deserted island. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell people about how overwhelmed, sad, and lost that I was feeling. It was that I didn’t know who I could tell that would understand. I remember telling one of my good friends to which they responded, “Oh, don’t worry Maria. It will happen, you guys are young. You just have to give it time.”

I remember thinking, “No, you don’t understand. You don’t know how difficult it is for me to even get out of bed in the morning. You don’t know how upset I get when I see a pregnant woman pushing a cart in the grocery store. You don’t know how angry I get when I see a family taking a walk around my block. You just don’t know how deeply these little, everyday activities can trigger feelings of intense sadness.”

Maria, with her husband Kevin, who have now lived most of their 5-year marriage with infertility.

For a while I didn’t think I would meet anyone who would understand how I was feeling. And so I started to isolate myself – from my family, friends, even partially from my husband. I felt that I didn’t have anything to worthy to contribute to conversations or events, so I just removed myself from them.

My feelings of wanting isolation, however, began to change when I made the decision to attend RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day in 2014. Tired of living on this so called “infertile desert island,” I convinced my husband to make the drive from Grand Rapids, MI to Washington, D.C. to maybe start doing something about my frustration and isolation rather than just complain about how I was feeling.

How one decision can change your life. Seriously.

While at Advocacy Day I began to feel like I was taking action to not just change my life but the life of thousands of other infertile men and women silently suffering with the disease, the most impactful takeaway were the friendships that I formed. Particularly, my friendship with Elizabeth Walker.

Maria and Elizabeth in San Francisco, CA in July 2015 for the ART of Infertility.

For Elizabeth and me May 2014 was our first Advocacy Day. Both of us were representing the state of MI and so we spent most of the day together walking the halls of Congress handing out letters and asking our representatives to sponsor infertility related bills. Perhaps it was the experience of doing something totally out of your everyday that helped form such a strong bond. Or perhaps it was simply a friendship that was suppose to be. But whatever it was – Elizabeth and I both knew that we found another person who we could confide in and who simply got one another.

Since Advocacy Day in 2014, Elizabeth and I have worked together on the ART of Infertility. Traveling to numerous states, hosting art and writing workshops, dropping in at prominent fertility clinics to talk about the project, talking about infertility at academic conferences, and even mentoring young college interns about infertility. We are busy but being busy has also saved me – made me feel like I am being productive, no longer wallowing away on my infertility island.

I often think what my life would be like if I never met Elizabeth. Thinking about this, I get lost and overwhelmed. Our friendship has been integral to my healing, to my strength and to my commitment to always advocate on the behalf of those who are infertile. She has become not just my infertile sister, she’s simply Liz – my big sis.

And so while there are a million different reasons to consider attending Advocacy Day this year on May 11th, one of the most powerful reasons to attend is because it could quite literally change your life through the friendships you may form. If I never met Elizabeth that May 2014 during Advocacy Day, my life would not be what it is today. So, I encourage you all – if you are feeling alone, in despair, frustrated and ready to make a change – come to Advocacy Day where you will be greeted by hundreds of other infertile women and men who understand exactly how you are feeling. You will be amazed.

Advocacy Day isn’t just about coming together to advocate for infertility rights, it is also about coming together as a group that has been told their stories shouldn’t be told, their stories don’t count enough to be considered for legislative action. It is a coming together as a force of women and men who have become friends from across the U.S. to change how we think, talk, and support issues of infertility. Advocacy Day is powerful as it is a pure embodied display of how the coming together of friendships can make change.

Join us!

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Maria and Elizabeth outside the Capital Building during Advocacy Day 2015.

Oh the Places We Go (Like Houston, TX): Reflections on the Relatability of Art, Poetry & Medicine

Posted on April 13, 2016 by admin

Lots of our followers and contributors to this project have a personal connection to the ART of IF. Many of you have either faced your own infertility journey, suffered from infant loss and/or even perhaps miscarriage. We love sharing pieces of art with the vibrant infertility community that exists in the world. Yet, our mission at ART of Infertility is also very much about expanding audiences – beyond the infertility community – to raise awareness and understanding about infertility, infant loss and miscarriage to a more general public.

Art workshops, we find, are an accessible, low-stakes activity that can help facilitate conversations about these topics of loss with others who may have little or no experience with the topic. Our event in Houston, TX last week is one such example of how we use the project to raise general awareness about the reflective power of making art with medical objects.

We made connections between art, poetry and medicine more apparent by participating in a Feminist Action Hour hosted at the annual College Composition & Communication Conference. This conference attracts a wide array of professors and graduate students teaching and researching writing at the collegiate level. For many of these attendees, their research and teaching interests pertain to social justice and interdisciplinary issues – such as communication practices between physicians and patients, gendered communicative experiences of medicine, and even tensions of being a mother/father while working in the academy.

Participants and materials at the Feminist Action Hour workshop in Houston, TX.

Given these diverse interests, the Feminist Action Hour hosts pedagogical workshops to create space for engaging and teaching about these important topics with our students and our colleagues. Examples from last year can be found here: http://cwshrc.org/newwork2015/

As a Writing and Rhetoric graduate student, Maria Novotny’s (project partner with the ART of Infertility) research examines the ways in which infertile men and women make meaning and share this meaning making through art and writing. Given this, Maria invited the ART of Infertility to participate in the workshop by making pieces of blackout poetry with medical consent forms.

Maria instructing participants and answering questions at the blackout poetry workshop in Houston, TX.

Why medical consent forms and why blackout poetry?

This workshop was inspired by the artwork of Jo C., one of our ART of Infertility participants. Jo created this beautiful piece of black out poetry, titled My Consent which she gave to us to share through our permanent collection. To learn more about the piece, you can read about it on Jo’s blog.

My Consent by Jo C.

Medical consent forms and treatment procedures serve as central technical documents, frequently studied as genres in professional and technical writing. Rhetorically these forms reinforce depersonalized medical practices and the greater public’s perceived objectivism of medicine/science.

Medical and feminist rhetoricians have increasingly called for shifting the object of study – beyond “how health and medical texts get produced” to inquiries examining “what embodied users bring to these encounters” as health artifacts (Scott, 2014; Bellwoar, 2012). This workshop serves as pedagogical moment attending to the embodied interactions between medical documents and the user/consumer of these documents.

What happened?

During the workshop participants were invited to select a consent form and a stencil. Consent form options included: a sperm donation form, a fertility treatment form, and a mental health form. Stencils included: a penis, a uterus, and a brain.

The ART of Infertility’s objective was to present the “trifecta” of infertility: mental health, men’s health and female health.

We then spent 15 minutes with groups making pieces of poetry. Many who participated described the activity as “meditative.” Some wanted to play with the idea of one consent form for one stencil – so they incorporated both a penis and uterus within a mental health consent form.

“signs, process, normal, mass. abnormal, expected, normal, normal, normal, not perfect, normal, abnormal, selection, best, abnormally, accident, prevent”

“attempt, understand, risk, arise, could be born, might also produce, agree, support, maintain, understand, Birth”

Special protections, conversation, medical record. Diagnosis, prognosis, release, release. Disclosure, all information. Health Care.

art-of-infertility-black-out-poetry-penis

“special protections, documenting or analyzing, start, the, subject, allows, the patient, disclosure, invalidate, authorization, Address”

The workshop was well-received and allowed the ART of Infertility to talk about issues of infertility and loss to those who may not necessarily recognize the physical and mental weight such a diagnosis has on the body.

If you would like the ART of Infertility to host a blackout poetry workshop (or another art/writing workshop), you can contact us at: info@artofinfertility.org

5 Reasons Why Being Young and Infertile is Hard

Posted on April 7, 2016 by admin

by Maria Novotny

I met my husband when I was 15 at a “Thanksgiving Day” themed dance. We dated on and off in high school, but I always knew that I would end up marrying him. We would spend hours on the phone in high school, talking about what we wanted from life and how crazy it was that we wanted a lot of the same things. One of those things was a family.

Maria and Kevin on their wedding day. Photo by Sarah Stephens Photography.

After a few more years of dating, he finally moved to the state where I was going to college. We soon got engaged, both graduated, and shortly after got married. Both of us were 23 and ready to start a family. We couldn’t wait. We both came from large families – he was the oldest of 4 and I was the oldest of 6. We moved states, bought a house and started making plans to nest.

But we soon realized these plans were all but a dream. After a year of trying to conceive (TTC), we finally received our infertility diagnosis. I was crushed. He was crushed. How could this be? We were both only 24!

The rest of our twenties were spent going to doctor appointments, researching adoption options, starting an infertility support group, beginning a research on “rhetoric of infertility,” partnering up with the ART of Infertility, and basically deciding that it is okay to wait on building that dream we talked about and hoped for at 23.

On the front stoop of their first home.

Today, as we both embark on entering our thirties, I can’t help but think through the struggle of being under 30 and infertile. Being so young, many people struggle to really comprehend the fact that you can be young, healthy and yet still have trouble conceiving.

Here are the 5 Reasons I think Being Young & Infertile Is Hard (in no particular order):

1. Doctors (& our culture at large) always said that TTC when you are young would only help your chances. Growing up, we are told that we need to protect our fertility. That we need to be careful not to “accidentally” get pregnant. So when you receive an infertility diagnosis, rage – at the stories we’ve been told to “always use protection” – can fill your body. “How could I have trouble getting pregnant? I thought I was doing the right thing by trying early?” This confusion, pain and frustration at the perceived “myth of fertility” frequently entered my consciousness when I was diagnosed at 24.

2. I was told that you could (& probably should) plan your pregnancies. I grew up with a bunch of sisters – all of whom are close in age to me. We are each other’s best friends. And so, when I decided to start a family, I wanted to have not just one child but many. I thought by starting young that I could replicate the same type of childhood experiences I shared with my sisters. I could have my first baby at 24 then have the next one at 26 and then the next at 28. A two year gap seemed to make sense to me. But once I realized that I would have trouble even having just one child, I had to completely rethink this plan. I was devastated that I would not have the same type of family unit that I had grown up in.

3. A lot of my girlfriends – were not married – let alone TTC. When we first were TTC, many of my girlfriends were not even in relationships. They were all trying to meet a guy while I was trying to have my ovaries meet some sperm. I felt completely distant and detached from these friends who a few years ago had stood up in my wedding. No one seemed to understand why I was emotional when I saw a mom walking her baby down the street. And they really didn’t understand why I was peeing on ovulation strips every morning. I felt like I wasn’t just losing my hopes for a family, but losing a lot of my close friends.

4. Being Newly Married & Infertile Sucks. When you are recently married, having trouble conceiving puts a lot of pressure on your marriage. Being newlyweds can be hard enough. Put infertility in the mix and it can rock the strong foundation you thought the two of you had. For one, infertility messes up your sex life! Instead of “having fun” with your man, you are creating “sex calendars” and synching your biological schedule to your work schedule. Sex sucks and that never helps any marriage – especially one that is just starting out.

5. “A baby will come, you just need to relax. You’re not even 30 yet.” Everyone tells you that you have time, to take a vacation, to just enjoy life. Here is the deal – when you want a baby, when you made a commitment in front of hundreds of people that you and your partner are going to have a family, you want that to happen when you want it to happen. You don’t want to wait. You don’t want to let “time” be in control. When you know that you want a family, you want a family – nothing is going to stop you. And so when you realize things beyond your control are impeding your dream, you feel mad, angry and just pissed-off at the world and everyone else who seems to just “magically” get pregnant. You feel like life isn’t fair, and eventually you come to realize that it actually just isn’t fair. Plain and simple – being young and infertile sucks.

Advocacy Day Reflections from Jennifer

Posted on April 5, 2016 by admin

A few weeks ago I decide to take a last minute trip to Columbus, OH. While there, I was able to interview Jennifer. Jennifer was diagnosed with PCOS and Endometriosis and dealt with years of infertility before a successful IUI and the birth of her daughter, Kathryn. For the past few years, Jennifer and her husband have been trying IUIs again. Below, Jennifer reflects on Advocacy Day and why she makes the trip to Washington, D.C. each year. Thanks, Jennifer, for sharing your story.

Elizabeth

“At first I went because three of my friends were going. I was like, oh, it’s going to be a fun girls trip. I think sometimes I’m a fairly cynical person so I don’t necessarily always think that our voice is heard and that the senator really cares, but going in there and telling them what we need, what we want, and that there is a need for infertility coverage and the adoption credit, I felt so empowered. In control almost. Like I could take back control and I didn’t expect to feel that. It was a lot more emotional than I thought it would be. I think I probably did cry at some point on that day and I didn’t expect that at all. I really didn’t. I’m always sort of using humor as my natural defense and sort of hide stuff so I was really shocked by how emotional I was that first Advocacy Day.”

“One of the things that I came away with the first time I went to Advocacy Day that never even entered my mind was that if, in twenty years, my daughter is infertile for whatever reason, whether it’s her, or her spouse, or whatever, that I could do this for her. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I could fight for her so that she never has to know this pain. So that’s why I keep doing it. More than for myself or for anything.”

“I thought I was going to make a difference for myself. That I was doing it because of my journey and what I went through. I just started thinking about Kathryn and if anything I do on that day can make it easier for her, if she HAS to walk this path, then I’ll go every year, every day, forever.”

Infertility Reminders in the Mailbox – Reframing through Art and Writing

Posted on March 16, 2016 by admin

Elizabeth Walker

The mailbox can be a dangerous place for those dealing with infertility. Receiving a baby shower invitation or a baby announcement can feel like a knife in the heart, or a punch in the gut. At least you usually have some idea they are headed your way. It’s the other random pieces of baby, child, and mom mail that give me the most trouble. One in particular.

I don’t have a problem with catalogs from Justice and American Girl or coupons from Babies R Us. I have 6 nieces an 2 nephews so those are places I shop. Every now and then I get an offer for life insurance from Gerber or an invitation to enroll my daughter in National American Miss pageants. I’m guessing that I just fit the demographic for Gerber and I imagine some of the stores I frequent with my nieces are responsible for the pageant requests. However, my blood pressure rises each time I open the mailbox to find an issue of Working Mother magazine.

If it weren’t for infertility, I would be a working mother now. When I pictured parenthood, I always saw myself balancing my children and my career. Sure, it would be a challenge but I was up for it. I get great pleasure from my work and envisioned my dedication to my career aspirations as a great model for my children and their future success, just as I feel my parents’ dedication to and love for their work influenced me. Working Mother magazine would be right up my alley. I’d likely read it cover to cover and check out any bonus content online.

I’m not sure how I got on their list. Again, maybe I’m just the right demographic, or maybe they are affiliated with one of the retail outlets I spend my money at. Maybe I even inadvertently signed up for it at some point when I neglected to read the fine print when I signed up to receive email notices. I tried for awhile to get off their list. An email to the publishing company, a comment on their Facebook Page. When that didn’t work I just started giving them to my working mother friends.

Recently, I decided to reframe my relationship with the magazine by using it to make black out poetry. If you’re not familiar with the technique, you take a page of text and do a quick scan of it, circling any words or phrases that jump out at you. Then, you go back through and can narrow those down, and use them to create a poem, blacking out the rest of the text around those words. It felt great to cut a page out of the magazine and circle words with my pencil, later using black paint to isolate the words that would form my poetry. I decided to cut the page out in the form of a woman holding a baby and then decoupaged it onto canvas. Here’s the final result.

Committed, worthy, successful, non-mother.

Shouldn’t have to win acceptance.

My own positive impact.

Maria and I will be leading a workshop on black out poetry hosted by the Coalition of Women Scholars in the History of Rhetoric and Composition (CWSHRC) at the 2016 Conference on College Composition and Communication (4C) in Houston, TX on April 6. If you’ll be attending, please consider coming to our session.

If you live in the Houston area and are interested in sharing your story with ART of Infertility via an interview while we are in town, email us at info@artofinfertility.org. We would love to hear from you.

Five things I Wish I’d known when First Diagnosed with Infertility

Posted on March 15, 2016 by admin

Awhile back, a friend asked me what I wish I had known when I first received my infertility diagnosis. While there are hundreds of things I’ve learned over the past seven years, these are some that have proven to be very helpful to me in my journey. So, I’m sharing them with you today.

Elizabeth

1. Resolving your infertility will likely take longer than you expect. Hopefully you’ll get lucky and it won’t, but you should be prepared for a long process. It’s going to take some time to move through testing, treatment, and finally reach resolution, whether it’s through treatment, adoption or ultimately choosing to live childfree. For this reason, I often tell those who have recently been diagnosed to take some time to adjust to their diagnosis, find out what their options are, and move forward with the most aggressive option available to them as soon as they are ready.

A portion of the medication calendar for my first frozen embryo transfer.

2. It’s okay to take breaks. Sometimes breaks are forced, due to medical or financial reasons, and sometimes they are a choice. Either way, try to make the most of your “time off”. Infertility is all consuming, even when you’re not going in for daily ultrasounds and stuck with a curfew in order to inject yourself with meds at the right time. Take this opportunity to connect with the people and activities that you enjoyed before you started dealing with Infertility. Explore new hobbies, whatever they might be. Or, just sleep if you have no energy for hobbies after the marathon of medical appointments you’ve just endured!

3. Make friends with others experiencing infertility. No one else is going to understand the mix of joy, agony and guilt you feel when a family member announces a pregnancy like they are. No one else can give you some Lupron when your doctor’s office doesn’t have any on hand and your order from the pharmacy is delayed by a snowstorm (thanks, Jessica!) and no one else can easily decode the sentence, “I’m 6DP5DT. I triggered on April 10^th. When do you think it’s safe to POAS?”

Infertility friend, Lindsey, and me. I visited with her and three other infertility friends in Columbus over the weekend.

4. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to little things that make you happy. It’s important to set boundaries for self-care. Say no to attending baby showers, leave the family Christmas party before Santa shows up to pass out gifts to the kids, or visit friends after their toddler is in bed for the night. Above all, always have an escape route and reward yourself for doing things that are hard. I always take a trip to Sephora or Ulta after a trip to Babies R Us, for example :).

A new bottle of nail polish is an inexpensive reward after shopping for a baby shower gift.

5. Share your story. Whether it’s with one family member you can trust, a group of others struggling with Infertility around a table at a support group meeting, or publicly through social media. Infertility can be very isolating. Sharing your story will benefit you and others by creating a community of support and awareness and reminding you that you are not alone in your struggle.

Interested in sharing your story through the ART of Infertility project? We are always interested in talking to those who would like to be interviewed or contribute to the project through art or writing.

Redefining Family

Posted on March 7, 2016 by admin

I was photographing a work event a few years ago when the brother-in-law of the guest of honor struck up a conversation with me. It started with small talk about my camera, as it often does, and then he asked, “Do you have a family?” I didn’t have to think about my answer, and immediately said yes. He asked a follow up question about who was in my family and I told him about my husband and my dog. He looked positively confused. Only then did I realize he was inquiring about my children. I don’t have children, but I DO have a family.

Elizabeth’s family includes husband, Scott and dog, Spot. Not pictured, the newest member of the family, an 8 year old chihuahua.

It’s a common myth that you must have children to be part of a family. In actuality, families come in many different varieties. Families of two adults are a family. Those who are not partnered are still part of a family of relatives and friends that they create for themselves. I feel a little pain in my heart any time I hear of a “family friendly” event, when what is really meant is that an event is appropriate for children.

I have no question that my husband and I and our two dogs are a family, even if we don’t fit the vision that comes to mind for most people. I would like the work that we do through ART of Infertility to reflect that families come in all varieties and help broaden what comes to mind when one hears the word. Below, Maria shares her thoughts on family and we’d love to hear what family means to you.

Elizabeth

When I was 21, two of my college roommates returned from their European study abroad trip. They came back with a range of gifts – Belgium chocolates, scarves, perfumes –typical European presents. My gift, though, was slightly atypical. I remember opening up the bag, hoping for a scarf, and yet finding a baby’s bib featuring a cartoonish image of the 1964 era Beatles. Holding the bib up, I burst into laughter – it was a gift only close friends would know I would want.

The bib Maria received from her friends.

When we met each other in our college dorm rooms, it was our love of the Beatles that brought us together. In many ways, the Beatles forged our friendship. But why a bib? The running joke was that I would most likely be the first to get pregnant. I had the serious relationship. I had a huge family. I had a baby brother whom I shared an 18 year old age difference with. It was assumed I would get married out of college, have kids and that the bib would be a way to tell my babies about their Auntie Rachel and Auntie Kelsey. It has taken me now 8 years to get rid of that bib.

I’ve transported that bib from WI to MI and back to WI. Throughout multiple moves, I always new where that bib was – packed nicely away in a bin of other various childhood mementos. Unpacking from my most recent move this past summer, I came across the bib. Taking it out of the bin, a wave of emotions flooded myself. Fond memories of college appeared, and then shortly dissipated as I came to realize that I had never used the bib and (most likely) will never use that bib. Every move my husband and I made, I thought of getting rid of the bib. But getting rid of the bib, felt like getting rid of hope that some miraculous baby would come into our lives.

This last week, I finally felt ready to get of the bib. So many things have happened to my husband and me – particularly in this past year. We’ve moved again back to our home state of WI. We’ve changed careers. We’ve said goodbye to our first dog. But through all of these changes, we’ve found happiness – finally– after years of struggling with coming to terms with our infertility. Much of this happiness I attribute to embracing the family that we are.

Maria with her family.

We are a family that may never have our own children, and we are okay with that. We are family that believes being an awesome aunt and uncle can be just as important as being a good parent. We are family that believes our two dogs love us just like our children would love us. We are family that believes we became stronger because of infertility, when we could have chosen for it to split us apart. We are family that may not be recognized or viewed as complete, but knows in our hearts, we are who we are – a family of four – Kevin, Maria + the pups Mason & Gia.

ART of IF

The official blog of the traveling art exhibit and oral history project, ART of Infertility.

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